Sunday, February 24, 2008


Do you trust me enough never to know the reason why?

A dear friend of mine said she read this years ago and committed it to memory, not knowing that she would be faced with a situation that would actually challenge her to it. We have special connection in that our babies both died from a "true knot" in the umbilical cord.

The incidence of a true knot is very rare and not all result in infant death. In the past 11 months I have never once researched the true knot - until now. I don't know if I just wasn't ready to deal with what I might find or what. So now I have a few questions that I hope to get answers to from a medical standpoint.

Ironic I suppose - a knot is something that is supposed to tie something together, to join one thing to another. Instead AJ was taken away. One definition of a knot is an imperfection or a creative design. I think we definitely look at this as an imperfection to our plan. However, in a sense it's indeed part of God's creative design. If you google "true knot" you will see beautiful colorful pictures of knots that possibly changed someones life in an instant. Medical mysteries to some, knots of sadness for others. I would do anything for a picture of AJ's knot... to see the true knot that God allowed to take our sweet baby boy.

I do trust God to never know the reason why. I trust that He has brought this burden and heartache into our lives to show us something, teach us, enable us. Enable us to learn to endure, share and comfort others, love fully, prioritize, appreciate and rejoice in His name. I choose to keep my eye on Him - no matter how dark, sad and lonely I get - for He is the only way back to my baby. I will trust in His promises, believe in His faithfulness and long for the glorious day He calls us home.