tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12623793147318736812024-03-05T17:05:46.478-05:00Broken - but - BlessedGod is Good - ALL THE TIME!
We were supposed to have a baby, but had an angel instead. It's all part of His grander plan - a plan that we may never fully understand, but we will take life a day at a time (sometimes moment at a time) and appreciate life in a new way.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger93125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-85902107585522336492012-04-02T12:47:00.000-05:002012-10-19T00:50:07.381-05:00You said "Hello" in the most special way!For your 5th birthday we decided to take a family trip to San Antonio. Not only is this your 5th birthday, but each day of the week fell just as it did the year you died. We relived each day and the memories of that week. It was an emotional week.<br />
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We drove to Austin on Thursday so we could watch the bats fly out from the Congress Street bridge and eat famous Austin food. Our plan was to get up early and drive into San Antonio and spend your birthday at Sea World - of course wearing our We remember Adrian Joseph "A.J." MEND shirts. Friday morning we got up and got on the road....and I-35 was a parking lot! <br />
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After sitting through traffic for a bit we decided to exit and go to the Natural Bridge Caverns and just go to Sea World Saturday instead. We detoured through the winding country roads and arrived at the Caverns about 15 minutes before the next tour left. We hustled in to buy tickets and get the boys to the potty. The standard announcement "The next tour will be leaving in XX minutes, please meet your tour guide out on the terrace" was being made. We were sitting on the terrace looking at the beautiful scenery around us as yet another announcement was made...although this one was slightly different. "The next tour will be leaving in 5 minutes, please meet your tour guide, A.J., on the terrace."<br />
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My heart skipped a beat and my eyes welled with tears...was my imagination playing tricks on me? No, about that moment a young 21ish year-old young man walked up with a name tag reading A.J. I began trembling...this was not part of our plan...we were supposed to be at Sea World today...and we're not, we are here with a tour guide who has YOUR name. <br />
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I could barely contain myself. I walked up to him and told him through the tears "Can I take a picture of your name tag? I have a son who died 5 years ago today...and his name is A.J. and we were not supposed to be here, we were supposed to be at Sea World, and we are here instead...and God knew you'd be our guide...and we're here...and not there!!" He smiled at me with an expression of "OH WOW" and read my shirt "Amber Zuckerman remembering Adrian Joseph "A.J." and said "My name is Andrew James". He instantly ushered Eli and Alex up to the front of the tour group and we began. <br />
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A.J. took special care to point out the awesome cool stalagmites giving us a rather VIP experience. After we were done, I was in the gift shop and A.J. came up to me...by then it had all sunk in. "So let me get this straight, you weren't supposed to be here today? You were supposed to go to Sea World, but instead God directed you here? With me as your tour guide? Can I ask what happened to your son?" So as I stood there sharing your story with this young man, all I could think about is how amazing God is. It is your 5th birthday...somehow we survived 5 years...and God keeps showing us signs that renew our trust, our faith, and our hope....<br />
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...and once again, God detoured our plan - for His plan!!! Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-55548642949195941992012-03-30T11:30:00.000-06:002012-10-18T23:31:43.270-05:00Happy 5th Birthday! 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<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy 5<sup>th</sup> Birthday, A.J.! </div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have survived 1827 days without you. There have been days when we didn’t think we could make it one more day, but we did. There were days when we felt it couldn’t hurt anymore, but it could. There were days when we laughed, days when we cried, days we sat there in complete silence and disbelief. There were days when only the grace of God carried us to the next day.</div>
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We have missed you for 1827 days and will miss you each and every day until we are together again. Until then, we will serve as we are called to serve in your honor, as your legacy. Our love for you is endless!</div>
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We Love You MORE!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Daddy, Mommy, Eli & Alex<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-32878431972422084722011-08-18T09:47:00.004-05:002011-11-02T23:32:16.006-06:00Feelings from left field...My facebook status today is "Only a small percentage of people understand how conflicted my soul is on any given day." I chose not to post this part of what I typed as my status... This does not mean I am not joyful, happy, thankful, blessed, living and doing. This also does not make me the strongest person you know, brave, or amazing...I am merely carrying the cross I was given to carry and sometimes it gets heavy...though I'd never lay it down, abandon it, or begrudge it.<br /><br />I recently had an encounter with a fairly self-centered, neurotic man I know who felt the need to tell me I needed to 'let go' of all this baggage involving my son. Difference between 4.5 years ago and now is that I listened to him rant and tell me 'how I should feel', listened to the hurts in his life, and then responded.<br /><br />We say all the time in MEND that people are rude, insensitive, and self-centered in their comments and they mean well, but they just don't know. I would like to believe that he meant well. I would like to believe the best in people and their words...but I continually put myself out there and am continually disappointed in people.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-20592147230519462492011-03-30T23:36:00.001-06:002011-05-10T00:15:36.472-05:00Happy Birthday Little Man!I can't believe you are 4 years old. I miss you so much every day!<div><br /></div><div>So this 'fourth' year has been pretty rough. I have been trying to put my finger on what is making this year different or more difficult that the last three years and this is what I have concluded...YOU ARE NOT HERE! </div><div><br /></div><div>The first year - we were grief stricken...every day was dark. Every day was sad. Every day was full of thoughts of what did I do wrong, how could this have been different, what I'd do to hold you one more time and look into your eyes.</div><div><br /></div><div>The second year was consumed with getting pregnant and then being pregnant. Once we were pregnant with Alex, we were focused on getting him here safely and healthy. It was emotional. With each kick I thought of you. Each time Alex didn't move, I worried. I couldn't sit in your room and think about putting your crib up for another baby. I had to completely redecorate it in the end. We celebrated your 2 year birthday just a few weeks before your brother joined the family. It was hard to be pregnant on your birthday, but it was one of the many things that helped restore our hope. The second your little brother was born, the room was filled with praise as our dear friend nurse Kathy rejoiced with a "THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU JESUS" at his first cry. I know you were there with us that day and I believe you hand picked your little brother to send to us. He is full of joy, peace, sweetness, and kindness. Again, a difficult, but happy time. </div><div><br /></div><div>The third year we were sleepy, new parents...not much time to mourn. A lot of suppression of our feelings and our longing for you. When the roller coaster forced me on during this year, it was hard, fast, emotion...it would come out of no where, drag me down down down and then I would emerge a little different each time. No better really, but no worse, but totally different. Mother's day this year was HORRIBLE. I cried all day watching your brothers together and thinking about you missing from the mix. Eli is teaching Alex all about you already...it is precious to hear him talk about you and listen to Alex learn how to say your name. It's a precious sound to hear your brothers speak your name!</div><div><br /></div><div>And then the fourth year has rolled around. I cry a little more often...I think because life has slowed down ever so slightly which allows that darn roller coaster to catch up. I had the realization at the MEND Christmas Ceremony that "THIS" is my life and my life includes having a child in heaven...it includes qualifying simple responses I get about my children because my life isn't so simple...it includes the reward of ministering to others and sharing their burdens...providing comfort...it includes you, just not the way I had planned. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am so proud that God chose me to be your mommy...but that doesn't change that I would do anything to hold you again and be able to 'mother' you on earth. I trust God and I can't wait until the day I get to see you...but for now, God needs me here. My love for you is endless!!</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-84836995628966142432010-10-02T01:46:00.001-05:002010-10-02T01:46:11.140-05:00Love you foreverIf you live in the metroplex, you have hopefully been blessed to see the many beautiful rainbows over the Texas sky following the recent showers. It's a fun challenge to search the sky after each rain to see if a glimpse of heaven will come peeking through the gray skies to remind us of God's promises. Those reassuring rainbows have come in the form of rare double rainbows lately. And with each rainbow, come deep questions from Eli.<br /><br />Mom - are you going to die? Am I going to die? How do we get to heaven? Why can't AJ come home so I can be his big brother?<br /><br />If you read back in my blog there was a day shortly after AJ died that there was a post about a rainbow that stretched from one side of the earth to the other. Eli - roughly 3 at the time - said "Look mommy, AJ is sending that rainbow to show us he received our balloons". (We always send balloons up to AJ when we get them at various places.) That moment is a great memory of Eli's sweet innocence. Maybe it's him starting Kindergarten this year, but he has been asking so many questions lately. I started this post 2 days ago, and just last night before bed, Eli burst into tears missing AJ and wanted to look at pictures. My heart sunk! If I can't even comprehend the magnitude of what has happened, how can he? I sat there with tear filled eyes looking at the pictures with Eli feeling like a failure because I couldn't answer his questions. Intellectually I couldn't, emotionally I couldn't, I couldn't say a word to him other than "I love you and AJ and Alex with all of my heart...don't ever forget that!"<br /><br />Maybe some people think I am crazy for not being 'over it' yet, but those are the ones that don't understand that I will never be 'over it'. Not a day goes by that AJ isn't spoken of in our home. We still hurt and cry. We struggle to answer questions that have no answers. We look at rainbows and hold on to the promise that some day we will see him again.<br /><br />When your child dies, some things in life become very clear - others not so much. Death seems less scary because I know that it results in seeing him again. Some relationships are stronger and some fade into the darkness of nothingness. We lack answers to questions. Question if God really meant for that to happen...is this really my life now? Who am I now? Who was I then? And of course the "Seriously??" moments that I simply have no words for.<br /><br />But then...occasionally there is that moment of perfect clarity that I pause and realize that through my weakness, His strength is made perfect and His promises never fail us. These are the moments of amazement that this is my life and wonderful things are a part of it because AJ lived and died.<br /><br />One of my favorite books is "Love you forever". It's about a little boy that starts out as a baby and grows to a man within 15 pages. As he grows, his mom would always rock him and sing, "Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". This book makes me cry faithfully every time not only for my living sons, but because as AJ's mom that's the one thing I can do every day for him...love him forever because he'll always be my baby!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-32560344639390718932010-04-04T23:00:00.001-05:002010-04-05T23:18:41.161-05:00Another Dream...The intellectual side of me says that dreams are a result of something that is imposing on our subconscious mind. The sentimental, faithful side of me believes that dreams can sometimes be a window into the unknown...occasional glimpses of heaven?<br /><br />Early Easter Sunday morning I had a dream that I am certain was a message from heaven. My sister-in-law's mother, Bea, passed away in late January after many years of failing health. She was fragile and petite when she went home to the Lord.<br /><br />In my dream, all of my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">SIL's</span> family was there...we were there dropping off food. Everyone was happy and doing well. It was current date. As I was leaving out of this house, I stepped down a few concrete steps and Bea was standing there in a tan linen suit, healthy and strong. We embraced as we had the following conversation:<br /><br />She said to me, "Why don't you ever come visit me?" I replied, "Because it makes me cry." She said, "It's <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ok</span> to cry." I of course was crying in my sleep at this point. <br />I asked her, "Is he <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ok</span>?" (referring to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">AJ</span>). She said, "He's just fine." I asked her to please hold him for us and she said, "I do every day." I asked her to kiss him and tell him how much we love him...<br /><br />At this point I woke up sobbing...I cried all day and continue to cry as I type this. It was so real, so vivid! Is it possible that God gives us the opportunity to see loved ones in our dreams to calm our hearts? We of course went to visit Bea today and leave her a little flower and a pin wheel for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">AJ</span>. Til we meet again in our dreams...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-84932578216655668542010-03-30T08:00:00.001-06:002010-04-05T22:59:59.912-05:00Happy 3rd Birthday AJ!!!Your daddy wrote your birthday tribute this year for the MEND newsletter!<br /><br />Happy 3rd Birthday, AJ!<br /><br />It seems like just yesterday we were holding you in our arms, wondering how we were going to go through life with such a large void in our hearts. There has not been one day since you went to heaven that Mommy and Daddy have not thought about you. Your big brother, Eli, asks about you a bunch. He tells us how much he misses you and always wants to see pictures of you. He is so proud that he has two little brothers and tells us that is just what he always wanted. We see you in your baby brother‘s smile and the angel kisses on his forehead. Until we meet you in heaven, see you in our dreams. Our love for you is endless.<br /><br />We love you MORE!<br />Mommy, Daddy, Eli, and Alex<br /><br />Adrian Joseph "A.J." Zuckerman<br />March 30, 2007<br />True knot cord accident<br />Parents: Alfredo and Amber Zuckerman<br />Big Brother: Eli<br />Little Brother: Alex<br /><br />This year we will celebrate your birthday with a small family and friends get together at home. As always...our balloon release will be my favorite part of the day!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-38310092176993138162010-03-18T22:31:00.002-06:002010-04-05T14:44:13.752-05:00Grief RevisitedThe MEND Newsletter topic this time is Grief Revisited...I guess you can say there are times I wish grief could go away so I could have time to miss it and have it come for a 're-visit'. It is always lurking in the shadows of my heart...waiting for the most inconvenient time to pop out and send my world crashing. I am thankful for our grief...this is the article I wrote for the newsletter.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Thankful for Grief"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I never imagined I could be thankful for something like grief. Until our son‘s death on March 30, 2007, our family had been relatively spared by the tragedy of death. Death is an expected part of life, but it is NOT an expected part of birth.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Our grief journey has been full of ups, downs, twists, turns, and at times—all-out crashes! Times of joy, sadness, sorrow, hope, praise, anger, denial, trust and peace. To this day, any number of these feelings can resurface, and back onto the roller coaster we go. The rides are sometimes short with less intensity but always purposeful and sweet in the end as we trust that each moment is part of God‘s plan. With reflection comes appreciation for the lessons learned, friends made, personal growth, and faith strengthened.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Three years later, I find myself healing, but not healed. In fact, I don‘t antici-pate that pain this deep is ever healed; it just becomes part of life, and our cop-ing abilities get better along the way. It is a good part of life. We appreciate things that we might have taken for granted before: a butterfly flittering around at the perfect moment, the birds singing on a gloomy day, rainbows peaking from the clouds, and the delicate snowflakes sent like little messengers of hope. All of this reminding us to ―Be still and know…‖</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">As we watch our two living sons play on the floor, our hearts ache with the should-have-beens, the wish-it-weres, and the desperate desire to understand the plan. Grief knocks us down time and time again, but we somehow find the strength to get back up and live for the living—while we long for the lost. We are richer because we are the parents of three boys, not two. We are blessed be-cause God chose us to endure the death of our son. To us, every day of our life is a reflection of AJ‘s legacy that brings us one day closer to God‘s promise. Indeed, through it all, we are thankful for grief!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">♥ Amber Zuckerman, mommy to Adrian Joseph "A.J.", M.E.N.D.—Dallas</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-54926706341510049762009-11-23T09:30:00.003-06:002010-04-05T14:38:57.509-05:00Thanksgiving...Have you ever been so thankful that you cry in amazement of God's blessings in your life? As I sit here I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am blessed with an amazing husband and fabulous sons, a home, a car, a good job, wonderful family and friends.<br /><br />True thanksgiving is being able to see what God has taken away from you and remaining thankful for it.<br /><br />This year I don't feel much like celebrating the holidays yet. AJ not being here is hitting HARD this year. I don't want to sit around a table on Thursday and have him left out as family talk about what they are thankful for. I don't want to wrap presents for Christmas and not be able to wrap for him. <br /><br />Maybe it's hitting hard because we have Alex here to see all of that which we missed with AJ. Alex is a joy and we see how happy Eli is being a big brother. He is so amazing with Alex...watches him and protects him. Talks to him and they sit together watching TV or playing on the floor. I guess it makes us sad that Eli had to wait 2 extra years to be able to play with a brother. <br /><br />I wonder if Eli will resent us for not taking him to the hospital to hold AJ...or would it have been too much for a 2 1/2 year old to take in? He asks so many questions that we can't answer sometimes. Some questions we don't have answers to! As always...it's just one day at a time...one prayer at a time!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-44655369020151072662009-11-20T14:31:00.003-06:002009-11-20T15:39:00.945-06:00MEND Walk to Remember 2009The MEND Walk to Remember was so beautiful this year. Despite a few rain drops, we had a lovely time. Here is the slideshow Brittney created to capture the day...<br /><br />I miss my middle man. This will be our 3rd Thanksgiving and Christmas without him...that makes me sad!!<br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwP-UgcjOO7jFoHmaQr1yPO1858vR3zsIlP7cmdqkyBH8PIgK7ybqzrVWtHsXRfy6bHboHtGRpTcOibrKzx9A' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-55810194097194808622009-10-01T08:58:00.004-05:002009-10-01T09:42:10.278-05:00Yes God, We are listening.... :)This week has been pretty emotional as we approach the Walk to Remember. Guess I'm due for a good cry. I have really been missing AJ lately. I have been blessed to see his life making an impact in the world through my work with MEND and that fills my heart with Joy. <br /><br />I have been working on fund raising for the Walk and collecting donations for the raffle. We went to eat one night at Black-eyed-Pea and I decided to drop off a request letter while I was there. I usually would ask for the manager and go through my speech "My name is...2 1/2 years ago our son was born still at 39 weeks due to a true knot cord accident...we are members of a non-profit organization in the area and we host a ceremony each year...would you like to donate?" However, for some reason I simply handed the letter to the lady who seated us and asked her to have the manager come over if they were interested in donating. We ate and left assuming that they just simply were not interested.<br /><br />2-3 weeks later, on a Saturday morning, I received a phone call from the BEP manager. She began the conversation with "I don't know what to say". This struck me as odd since it seemed easy to me - either you want to donate or you don't. I was quickly brought to tears as she proceeded to tell me that her niece had just had her baby girl 3 days earlier, born with Trisomy 18 and died 3 1/2 hours later. She said that she had come in to work after having been off for a period of time to find my letter on the desk that 3 managers share, unopened, waiting for this opportunity to surface. A God moment!<br /><br />She and I proceeded to talk for about 45 minutes instantly connecting as if we had been friends for years. As we talked I stood outside a local shopping strip and a butterfly flew around and around. To me it was like AJ was right there doing the "Donkey" from Shreck - "Look at me...See what I did Mom...He picked me!!" <br /><br />He picked me...I don't know why God picked me to endure this heartache, but that day I had a glimpse of the awesomeness of God. If I solicited to those 75 to 100 businesses in the DFW area to have His message reach this one family, then I am OK with that. <br /><br />I am so blessed to be able to recognize the good that has come from AJ's death. I could easily!! allow myself to wallow in self pity, cry myself to sleep each night, and essentially give up, but that is not what God's purpose is for my life. His purpose is for me to use my talents to help others. And as a friend told me earlier this week, He knows that I am not afraid to meet a stranger and that I will spread His word. I would have never chosen to give my son the way that He gave His, but I am thankful to see that there is a purpose for Him taking AJ home too soon. <br /><br />Mommy loves you AJ!!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-27490584678225287312009-08-02T11:24:00.004-05:002010-04-05T14:47:21.355-05:00Somewhere in the Middle<div>One of my favorite songs is "Somewhere in the Middle" by the Casting Crowns. <em>Somewhere between the hot and the cold, somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who You're making me, somewhere in the middle you'll find me.</em></div><br /><div> </div><br /><div>For me this song follows the pattern of grief as we learn to live the new normal without <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">AJ</span>. One second hot or cold...sometimes the new or the old...and always between who I was and who He's making me.</div><br /><div> </div><br /><div>Friends come and go, but we had a couple of friends that went when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">AJ</span> died. They stepped up to help us plan his funeral, take care of Eli in the immediate days, and then they slowly went away. About a year after <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">AJ</span> died, I couldn't stand the lack of closure for the friendship and so I called her up and asked her to lunch. We sat <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">awkwardly</span> making small talk for a while and when the conversation afforded the opportunity, I asked point blank "What happened? What changed?" Her knee jerk reaction was "People change"! I replied "you're right - WE did change." We haven't spoken since.</div><br /><div> </div><br /><div>God made the decision to change us the day he called <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">AJ</span> home. Unlike some people who may make a conscious decision to change something about themselves, we didn't get that choice. We were catapulted into a devastating life change that forced us to redefine who we are and why we are here. </div><br /><div> </div><br /><div>Who we are? We are people that hurt on some level everyday. We are a mom and dad that miss our son deeply everyday but must keep on going. We are the parents of 3 beautiful boys - two on earth and one in the arms of Jesus. Our true friendships are raw and without pretense. We are more reserved...more loving...more understanding...more empathetic. </div><br /><div> </div><br /><div>Why are we here? I don't ask God the question 'Why did you take AJ?' I don't feel that He owes us an explanation. I wonder what does He want me to do with this new path He chose for us? I work everyday to share our story with someone with hope that I am making a difference in some way. We are here to honor AJ's life and the change he made in our lives.</div><br /><div> </div><br /><div>We grieved the loss of these friends from our lives for a long while hanging on to hope that they would come around and we could have the type of relationship we had before AJ died. All the while we had received closure just a few months after he died and just didn't realize it. It came in an email and it read, "We want to be supportive, but feel that the subject is too much for our daughter, and honestly, the rest of us too, is to much to handle emotionally. I hope that you understand our reasoning for this, we really do want to support you and pray that you all receive strength and love." </div><br /><div> </div><br /><div>Our true friends and our family are there with us through the constant change we endure. <br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-36132393700438246802009-06-25T22:34:00.002-05:002009-06-26T08:26:57.171-05:00Hello...it's me...It's been a while. I've forgotten how busy it can get taking care of an infant and now I know what it's like to take care of an infant and a 4 year old. <a href="http://www.theazfamily.blogspot.com/">Alex</a> is getting big and had brought back some much needed joy to our lives...the unconditional kind...the innocent kind...the peaceful kind.<br /><br />That said, the hurt hasn't gone, we just have less time to focus on it. It's usually late at night when the world is quiet and we are holding him that the memories of what is missing creep in. We find ourselves wondering what life with 3 boys on earth would be like. Would Alex even have had the opportunity to make us smile if <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">AJ</span> had lived? We find ourselves wondering if we could try for another.<br /><br />As with all things, revelation comes with time. When I named this blog Broken-but-Blessed, I was in the trenches of grief. I never imagined smiling again, laughing again or trusting again. Over two years later, I am still broken, but mending. I have found that through being so broken, our blessings abound. God uses me - sometimes boldly, sometimes subtly - to share our story and help others.<br /><br />I know I've spoken on the topic of surrender in previous posts, but I find that it really is the key. God needs us to surrender, to trust His plan, to "Be still and know". That is a very hard lesson to learn.<br /><br />I am blessed to know that I must trust Him. I am not in control. I have a constant reminder that no matter what I think I want to happen, I can't control it. I am not perfect. I don't' go to church every Sunday. I don't read my bible like I should. I can't quote bible verses or stories. I don't know all the answers. But I do know to trust in the promises of God (I have these posted to remind me...I don't know these by heart).<br /><br />" 'Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you...Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' " - John 14:27<br /><br />"...The saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' " - I Corinthians 15:54<br /><br />"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' " - Isaiah 41:13<br /><br />"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him." - I John 4:9<br /><br />"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - I Corinthians 15:57<br /><br />A family from <a href="http://www.mend.org/">MEND</a> lost another sweet daughter this week just less than a year from when they lost their other daughter. I can't imagine their heartache. If I had the right to ask God "why" I would. but instead I turn to prayer for them that He will show them His plan through all of their heartache. I pray that they will find the strength to trust God again should they try again to have a child. I pray that God shows them His mercy and grace like none other. I pray that their hearts will be able to find the joy that comes with the innocent smile of a child. I pray for their peace.<br /><br />I have recently had a few people say that I should speak to groups of people and share our journey. I think that I would enjoy doing that...I'm praying that God directs my path to the right audience and time.<br /><br />I'm sending you to your bible for the last promise on my mind tonight... John 11:25, 26. I believe!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-62153275478318072352009-05-24T00:29:00.002-05:002009-05-24T00:33:17.753-05:00Update...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipHaZSAlxW8yyNVxmUlYGf3Gb3ZiXgVrFjYK9-tQPiCt76-2ssD4cYZ7vouHtpVfRquc8XWT8waBkJSs47Zdsvm_8BiHOvOQL97WpZgesJ_znxrny4CxwnoU1B_l3-2pZnr8VoVYTARIVj/s1600-h/IMG_5175.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5339259220633602258" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipHaZSAlxW8yyNVxmUlYGf3Gb3ZiXgVrFjYK9-tQPiCt76-2ssD4cYZ7vouHtpVfRquc8XWT8waBkJSs47Zdsvm_8BiHOvOQL97WpZgesJ_znxrny4CxwnoU1B_l3-2pZnr8VoVYTARIVj/s400/IMG_5175.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Visit our <a href="http://www.theazfamily.blogspot.com/">family blog </a>for an update on Alex. We are doing good. Have a million things swimming in my head to blog about, but no time to actually do it. Having Alex has brought joy, happiness, memories, what if's and what should have beens to the surface. He is a perfect blend of AJ and Eli...we are so thankful to have our new addition here safe and sound!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Will write more later...</div><br /><div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-83559604857434358272009-04-20T20:05:00.009-05:002009-04-20T21:17:41.810-05:00Alexander Isaiah Zuckerman<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326962183451726706" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 213px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9-ALp8NpRMvALW-feN-8yF1zWFzqDQzwu5DODqDwbJo_HCpwz8seU93uRaOGwlDfBv0KPGfCtRzlmydcwa_PzA-f70UNZg-pPDLDrjeLOUjQ-AQS_00eWIcMloiDU7TdFnWKYFN9qaL1v/s320/alex+8.jpg" border="0" />I'm proud to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">announce</span> that after almost 40 weeks, Alexander Isaiah has come into this world! What an amazing miracle from God! Baby Alex is 7lbs and 8oz and I'm not sure on length yet because he hasn't been <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">whisked</span> away to the nursery for his bath the last I heard from the happy parents. <img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326961753241654226" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiboKFNBFKIf2I2aiX8A1tLkk-aE11Pw2cJFfj8ED4POxLiIucgcDhDAR11n8WiF2oi521Lqx1bVkPpevQDG2qQ0XzcTG6kAxSZ9cZBjFhC9Ja1WFs_Rm4FLbhE1cA5wR7w490EFBJh_nk3/s400/alex+9.jpg" border="0" />The family is all doing well and Big Brother Eli is so in love with his new baby brother! I know those two will be best friends.<br />I'll let Amber tell you her side of the story, but from this end it was truly an honor to witness such an awesome event. Thank you Amber, Al, Eli <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">AJ</span> and Alex for the opportunity to capture this moment that is just too precious for words. I hope I've done it justice!<br />Love,<br />Jenn<br /><div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326959073387716754" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI2CBv-d56sfk24w0kgLU3sz7uu7Da-n9CzwR6UD9OGGyA0W4wKgbzLVQYix72sPw1O6iYT6fnCbu-sTOi4K-Ky5o718Up71GouhRvDJIlpMv1ohNR-vuDGgNQfG3Cpu6kpO0hhb7Cgl3z/s400/alex+1.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326959067353668050" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Naq0nPXifPpsYOFsOz7SffOi-es4Yi2gveNqlGMa1fwFVYoN677OdZgvtIPy6Npe5_6v5-7ztMC975j2hUW5aAPgmnH9Jk_1f6EXqjDebRrmvXx69gQxK0Os1xP9TO00rpbfguVAPoDJ/s400/alex+2.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326959067144445890" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiawXyTwS-ilK_rH71kVq99feymVtF82Qc8niD73yyKnbQg5hiu8oLreR1G0nD-bPilhIEFUYakmymjFEqgF8OZXaf2EfjVEwPB8kWhl8su5mvv_ZiBgec_qQ8Ve16HYe7Q9dlc7Xs0pud6/s400/alex+3.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326958432187721362" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT4lLFcmWQZaiMGAMtV4wcijNAVosxebNNKTZpfHdVfz7EMdybFModmvEOqtzfTWmxh7TO7LYIxxC-HXlaK4mM7pDkrjVmGu5ZnEDgZVowQXlFxNDw-Gx55Le83jzkQMq3o0_E1cQL26-i/s400/alex+5.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326959064115062258" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJjDVG1comK5i7rFkphRdYBxTq6WNd7_s4_YmdMLklWoDGrxwhYuC2VIjELfVSxtB2B3r5EN9Ly2Z9j9yHRYT4IsN3ELJ75t1_X_YKu-5bjn0bR01jn-TlFNV-jw1p2UgcaM8oQEPoMHYx/s400/alex+4.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326958432231986626" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBrATovmrIsDbhO84wb9bXw_pxtfUIz0pwRAHme9glDXwHtZFy6Otl4_rJwzSw9QgkbzBdD1EtKep4IkmHnOiCf-fbNp4lyzuqdzXriEhTAxs2BfXjUFlQFoh4ssT6UTyeBnVi-Z5svN_8/s400/alex+6.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326958418754728914" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4h48dntYzHVru-0GxhsUA33Kif8mT0DROXOL8hQ6KxQW0gYKg3tHMug83HvnAVARJSRlRzAsRSwh8q7OcNvR3dX7zcP8U41oeJRXNYBveZsJkWgyW3tg8daQuN8bN2ideeyLbNzcGhNak/s400/alex+7.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326956401307218402" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMZceoKOm1b-mNuIwg6UvX5sVpxBjCI_Iyrj9PB2aUD_BiGr4MZpJPAO4_26Tfch-OSVPi2cn_hJUQIYB0XR3xnHJvDu1ir8FATP0XjDW27xs1zxEL28XKN-apFvnggkva1r6qSUjhfJfd/s400/alex+11.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326956402832550882" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHc_y6Y_O_QJR8shO2PqA3i7-GO949URLTvkGxCJtksWmQ4-nMDxlsW4x3vDTPLlW7XMelxZjjyU-67UksEm7wAYc6RMXrXwytZcoWoqzkBEplCoTn7WCtSgk6s-tcMMytUvSl_RgPFz1h/s400/alex+10.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326956398290615282" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilNTde6NtwYhKQ7BE0haczqQNYCp10ifOgF9-UjMIpav7VZepTDgGtR00bhZW1I9SvCMbHugtWFj1gzFieu7Z1JLZzNq46YhicMVazQ5FH8jkaazkfs2ZcLlRP7kwmi6lLlx2i2XqjRQ57/s400/alex+12.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326956397414085202" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMJGhVuRLHGOmrHdks9IPUB60ekJ_jC2rEN5kHWdnmoVqW213wsbOBcCFlnictjI83FkZ3BykpkQPqvztzK-j36Q9ykX1xv7xg0w0MnP6eGqbbPFOMSFh-_WSSEpg8iBW1Qhyro36Pvs4w/s400/alex+13.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326956390311730658" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 266px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr6fMdk1jYuw3kcprE8YYshmgY6ppO1gTAW7yIs8YaIBkLA0DWhp9gbYP98kVYK9dH_-M8kFA2VLg3ZWQnV4EAzHWMewHGqtHSu986fMnRPha7sEPBIoxao_azqDQDediFh9rhNI39bwGE/s400/alex+14.jpg" border="0" /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-51694640768469407942009-04-20T05:44:00.007-05:002009-04-20T06:01:28.018-05:00Big Brother DayToday, Eli and AJ will be come big brothers...officially! We can't wait to post pics of our new hand-picked baby brother.<br /><br />I was thinking last night about how when someone in a family dies, we feel like we have an automatic 'in' with the Big Man. A direct line if you will. In my mind, AJ was able to tell God all about what he wanted in a little brother as if he was born out of a Build-a-Bear workshop or something. We will see how that works out when the terrible 2's hit. LOL :) <br /><br />I have a level of peace this morning that God's newest plan - though it may not be my plan - is at work. One thing about losing a child, is I have learned more about surrender than I could have ever imagined. I am still strong willed and stubborn...but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't have control over anything...and with that surrender comes peace. Now we must hold on to the peace and pray for strength. <br /><br />I was writing a card out to a dear friend the other day and this verse was at the bottom...funny - actually - because I was heavily in the midst of false contractions and praying that God would just send me into real labor already so I could get him here. I know that in some ways induction is helping along the process today, but I believe that God put it on the hearts of my doctors to move up the induction from Friday to today for some reason. This verse not only hit home because of it's meaning, but Alex's middle name is Isaiah and to me it was yet another instance of God reminding me to "Be still and know..."<br /><br />Isaiah 40:31<br />'But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.'<br /><br />This is my focal point of the day.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-48353900028195040052009-03-31T19:09:00.001-06:002009-03-31T19:10:32.633-06:00AJ's Nursery Pics...See post from 2-18-09...I finally got pics posted of AJ's nursery before we repainted. We aren't quite done yet with the new room...I'll post those soon. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-41212333008552163442009-03-30T22:04:00.005-06:002009-03-31T13:24:36.345-06:00Happy 2nd Birthday AJ!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1X59YsNzFeDDbfwElf_1TuAwgQUNero7_5OPTonP0Hg_3UZmg9Su-YBgkCxTKA4d9-FaOpvC11AYCZuCyv0JRD5w02AFzIAzVtVDY34Q6QjbtmLCcaqhcW7w42ohX5-eleDIcouc7IsaW/s1600-h/IMG_4774.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1X59YsNzFeDDbfwElf_1TuAwgQUNero7_5OPTonP0Hg_3UZmg9Su-YBgkCxTKA4d9-FaOpvC11AYCZuCyv0JRD5w02AFzIAzVtVDY34Q6QjbtmLCcaqhcW7w42ohX5-eleDIcouc7IsaW/s320/IMG_4774.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319364639891012930" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">What a beautiful day your birthday turned out to be! I have been praying for a 'non-rainy' day, and my prayers were answered. We always plan a family holiday for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">AJ's</span> birthday...and well - being 35 weeks I couldn't travel, so we decided to stay close and go to the Fort Worth Zoo. It was a beautiful day. We traveled the paths of the zoo for about 3 hours. I bench hopped and people watched while Eli and daddy went to explore the inside exhibits. We always wear our MEND t-shirts on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">AJ's</span> Birthday . I secretly hope that someone will ask so we can share his story. A lot of people stare, but we are yet to be asked. Maybe next year. :) <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6ITQ9lUAA1sngxFrgWkCyfa1EsWBNcy2aMSwWeQeXrlyRMHtDtqlEsHPHLNCKsRVyBY5DQ24r0RLVD83_4PMNA3MBAIWVeCNL-ZUTz3QoBgNGn8dITuEvpXAJUIEi1y_95wzRAidVn6Hz/s1600-h/IMG_4769.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6ITQ9lUAA1sngxFrgWkCyfa1EsWBNcy2aMSwWeQeXrlyRMHtDtqlEsHPHLNCKsRVyBY5DQ24r0RLVD83_4PMNA3MBAIWVeCNL-ZUTz3QoBgNGn8dITuEvpXAJUIEi1y_95wzRAidVn6Hz/s320/IMG_4769.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319363681946950258" border="0" /></a> Admiring the turtles...I love these moments!<br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSkpqtIFlbRmjntBYssgKAA1wWxDRj8R5kxFANO5psLsbTxRiKEYJJacN96903mDQKA5OFwnyj4UUks0qKoAZe6kBNQDXJor1QFaVHi4fBZ6-Z8CpQtFhSn_H_2-ISKp2H2BYxPEC2Rq4j/s1600-h/IMG_4748.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSkpqtIFlbRmjntBYssgKAA1wWxDRj8R5kxFANO5psLsbTxRiKEYJJacN96903mDQKA5OFwnyj4UUks0qKoAZe6kBNQDXJor1QFaVHi4fBZ6-Z8CpQtFhSn_H_2-ISKp2H2BYxPEC2Rq4j/s320/IMG_4748.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319363670850212178" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> That is THE sweetest look ever!!!! (both the birds and E's expression)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg65yEnEw35RWiUzUA8rZP9j73lDg5ZohAKeJxHFmoGAsHt0lMMfSUbfdDHz_nWU14PRLrmzyNPjApP9IrfXFRF9LsjNPs31knYRETD6qy4Xre5qrmOU8XYK-IvzsTwgpl_MGdYMwDFeUZQ/s1600-h/IMG_4742.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg65yEnEw35RWiUzUA8rZP9j73lDg5ZohAKeJxHFmoGAsHt0lMMfSUbfdDHz_nWU14PRLrmzyNPjApP9IrfXFRF9LsjNPs31knYRETD6qy4Xre5qrmOU8XYK-IvzsTwgpl_MGdYMwDFeUZQ/s320/IMG_4742.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319363671225024978" border="0" /></a><br />I missed this exhibit, so glad daddy had the camera!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwuAoPs_gHrRXck5E4APH6VWQDvl3UlTxhLGQY4NlgAB_12clHob1MClrCgdc4q_hB95tJhxAGCoJLnO2zODgKqqwFvpH2ULmZK2xlEIzlDuMKIh04nS0XBZoHgCzF4A9H-_aq1ZiXc9nh/s1600-h/IMG_4737.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwuAoPs_gHrRXck5E4APH6VWQDvl3UlTxhLGQY4NlgAB_12clHob1MClrCgdc4q_hB95tJhxAGCoJLnO2zODgKqqwFvpH2ULmZK2xlEIzlDuMKIh04nS0XBZoHgCzF4A9H-_aq1ZiXc9nh/s320/IMG_4737.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319363662783058482" border="0" /></a>Gotta love the elephants! Good thing I didn't wear gray...I'd blend in!<br /><div style="text-align: left;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX5QGqa5TIuEcB4ik-3YwldEYgvF2IC2NcIavM_4yTIwP2Wk4O_aIy8RmG7ZriQxLRVxq6aM8fID3Rp9vkqpX39-x5sbIdM8lpll56wbBubolcmm0uvdPLkYDtfV_JfH9lsSXj4MaSsOFi/s1600-h/IMG_4733.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX5QGqa5TIuEcB4ik-3YwldEYgvF2IC2NcIavM_4yTIwP2Wk4O_aIy8RmG7ZriQxLRVxq6aM8fID3Rp9vkqpX39-x5sbIdM8lpll56wbBubolcmm0uvdPLkYDtfV_JfH9lsSXj4MaSsOFi/s320/IMG_4733.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319363657141787218" border="0" /></a><br />We finished the day with family and close friends coming over for dinner, cake and a balloon release. I absolutely love everyone coming together to write a special message on balloons to send up to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">AJ</span>. The love, hugs and fact people remember him with us on his birthday make us so happy. I will post pics of the balloon release soon...gotta figure out how to get them off of the camera onto this new machine. Daddy will have to show me the trick! :)<br /><br />Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I overheard Al and Eli sitting in the office at the computer. Al was looking at an email from my Uncle Joe regarding fallen soldiers. It showed the American Indian rituals that are performed for those fallen soldiers. This email sparked questions from Eli about where <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">AJ</span> was buried. I heard Al trying to explain to Eli that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">AJ</span> isn't buried, but instead cremated. Eli said he didn't remember what <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">AJ</span> looked like. Al pulled up the pictures and began talking to Eli about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">AJ</span> and going through the pics. Al started to cry a little and Eli said, "Are you crying because you miss <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">AJ</span>? Sometimes I cry too when I miss <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">AJ</span>." <br /><br />My heart was sinking listening to them. I truly regret not having Eli come up to the hospital to hold his brother. We thought it would scar him for life, but in hind sight, probably not. He is such a wonderful, insightful little boy. Such a gentle loving spirit. I can't wait to see him with Alex and how he interacts with him. He is always kissing and rubbing my stomach telling Alex he loves him. It should be an exciting month coming up as we meet <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">AJ's</span> handpicked little brother. ;)<br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-81492677334349570932009-03-26T13:47:00.005-06:002009-03-27T14:47:01.100-06:00The last heartbeat...It was 2 years ago today that I last heard AJ's heartbeat. I'm sure I've posted about it before, but today it is really resounding in my memory. I decided Alex and I needed donuts this morning with our orange juice to be sure that he stayed moving all day strong so I can feel him. That he is. :)<br /><br />I hope I never forget the look on Dr P's face when he listened to AJ this day 2 years ago and paused and said, "Isn't it the best thing you've ever heard?" Dr P mind you is a mellow kind of doc and he truly marvels in the the awesomeness of the sound of a heartbeat and the miracle of life. I believe that it's a large part of why my heart ached for him to find out that AJ had died when he returned to town that weekend.<br /><br />I have friends through <a href="http://www.mend.org/">MEND</a> who actually saw their baby's heartbeat stop on a sono. I don't know if I would want to know the exact moment or not...? I do believe that he died in the early morning hours of March 27th, but I'll never know for sure. And that's ok. Our story was written just the way God intended for it to happen. I have to trust Him and His plan though we may not like it or agree with it.<br /><br />I have so many people who tell me that they admire my strength and faith. I don't see myself as anything special or remarkable. I am thankful for my core faith beliefs because if I didn't have those, I would be lost right now. My strength comes from Him...in the flesh - I cry, I'm weak, I'm fragile...still 2 years later I never know what will release my pressure valve and will cause me to lose it. The void is real...keeping my focus on God is my way of dealing with the pain and the physical void in our family.<br /><br />On another note...I'm sure everyone has see the "<a href="http://www.iamsecond.com/">I Am Second</a>" billboards by now. On Monday of next week there will be 2 billboards placed in the DFW area by an atheist group saying things like "Don't believe in God? You're not alone." I believe to each their own...I'm not one to impose my beliefs on someone else. But I found great humor from a DJ this morning that said the next billboard will read "I Am First - because there is no one else". I can only imagine how lonely that would be to not have a relationship with God and have to endure life without His grace and strength to carry you when you need him most.<br /><br />Thank you mom for being sure that God was a part of my life growing up. :)<br /><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-27818371957106178462009-03-22T07:02:00.004-06:002009-03-22T07:40:34.282-06:0034 weeks now...38 weeks then....As we near AJ's 2nd birthday, I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to live through the month of March without counting days. Maybe last year because it was his first birthday...maybe this year because I'm pregnant again....but I count the days until he died - literally torturing myself in some ways with the thought "at this time 2 years ago, he was alive". Everything was still ok at this time 2 years ago. <br /><br />Yesterday, 2 years ago we had a baby shower for him at work...it was a rainy morning that day, but full of love and excitement for him. 9 days later it was again a rainy morning, full of sadness and pain because he died. Oh how I pray for sun on March 30th this year. I need to wake up that morning and see all of God's beautiful creations glistening under a beautiful sunrise. But as life has taught me in the last 2 years, it will be what it will be that morning and what it is, will be what it's supposed to be.<br /><br />I say this with wishful thinking on my part, but I hope that we will induce Bubble Jack at about 38 weeks. I fear reaching the 39th week since AJ died at the 39th week...although, Eli was born fine at 39 weeks. Oh the psychosis of a paranoid, heartbroken, excited, fearful, proud mother! I know the odds, the statistics, the reality...but emotions - coupled with hormones - usually win the day. I count every kick wondering if it's the last...I laugh with every hiccup and attempt to implant the memory of it in my mind in case it's all I get...I try to live each day appreciating the aches and pains of pregnancy because it's an experience some never get. For all of the craziness I go through on a daily basis, I am thankful for it all because without AJ, I would probably not have such a rich appreciation for all that I am dealing with. Odds are, Bubble Jack wouldn't be on the way without AJ's life story being what it is. I do believe all things happen the way He intends for them to happen...and through the psychosis of March, I know I have no control over any of the coming weeks. I can only pray my way to the finish line with a sweet tender angel looking over my shoulder whispering - "mommy-it will all be ok."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-38703051039590035812009-02-28T21:28:00.002-06:002009-02-28T22:05:50.907-06:00Returning to the scene...With only 7<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ish</span> weeks to go until Bubble Jack makes his grand entrance (hopefully), I have began to get a little panicked about returning to the hospital. So, I called the childbirth educator that taught us almost 5 years ago when we were pregnant with Eli. She quickly agreed to meet us at the hospital and allow us to tour in private and get some 'face time' with the L&D department. She also packed Eli a "big brother" bag full of helpful things just for him as he embarks upon his new journey of having a baby in the house.<br /><br />As we rounded the corner in the L&D department, my heart began to sink. All the memories were so fuzzy I wasn't sure where which room it was or how I would react. There was an empty room right next to the room <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">AJ</span> was born in. Heart pounding, we entered the room and looked around. Eli began with 20 questions...I was thankful for that. We looked around several rooms and down the hallway in which they moved us after we left the L&D room. <br /><br />I said a prayer for the families in each of the rooms we had been in. The doors were closed to both rooms...thank you God. I don't think I want or need to see inside those rooms again...maybe that will change, but I don't think I could have handled it today. We stood there outside of the nursery and shared <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">AJ's</span> story with Kathy. The conversation led to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">AJ's</span> picture and - of course - I quickly pulled out my cherished pictures of him to show off. Hearing Kathy's comments about how beautiful he was made my heart happy, yet a painful reminder of reality. I think it was equally hard for daddy to be there and be reminded of those first moments. Even after almost 2 years, we are proud parents and it hurts that we can't hold him and share him like any other proud parent. I do love it when we get the opportunity to share <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">AJ's</span> story and show off his pictures. I had that opportunity twice this week and I have to admit, I share it with great pride each time!<br /><br />We also ventured to Babies-R-Us for the second time since <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">AJ</span> died today. I have identified a few things that we could use for Bubble Jack once he arrives, so I started a registry. We also found a few newborn outfits to choose from for him to wear home from the hospital. Something new - all his own. :) I start going to the doctor weekly this week for non-stress tests. I don't really know what that entails yet, but I will find out soon enough. Bubble Jack is very active and when he is not, he often gets woken up by his paranoid mother. <br /><br />Eli is excited. I am exhausted and ready, but otherwise doing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">ok</span>. Daddy is doing everything to take care of me, baby and Eli.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-28852915360729414212009-02-18T15:01:00.009-06:002009-03-31T19:09:00.498-06:00My best Buddy Sawyer...<div align="left">AJ's best buddy Sawyer turned 2 on Saturday. Thankfully we were able to spend this year's birthday with him - (last year - mommy just couldn't handle it). I can hardly believe that in a few weeks AJ will be 2. We have survived 2 years without him...now we just have to make it the next 60. We gathered a few balloons from the party, wrote a message on them and sent them up to AJ so he could celebrate with us. Eli released them and they got caught in the tree...LOL - Nene said that meant that AJ wished he was here too. Chris got them down for us and we re-released them. They drifted in the sky for several minutes. It was nice.<br /></div><div align="center"><br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319522386305466594" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQzbkJVoOWUomD9kojy1WTjWRUticBizZGX5K_ovG4F3MIqR3I04YoQpMY4liUsU4w19PyB2cmQQhTJBNqvQtXepSpluZc9DHqMm53puuS3Ara4TtKkFTLTpfKe9XUGp7JH8QzBYVr3Bqu/s320/IMG_4512.JPG" border="0" /> <p align="center"> That is Batman for AJ. <br /></p><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319522545094806546" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP1ASK797Omq18G6w4dqK-0nu_g6PDHkHrzDJjREm05-jWiNPZ_nnIJoMzzAU9P42KimuBlC3yt0iJbGyw9BjipyhB3wHrvpppKHdvex6gM6wTaKG_Eez3UaBonCGJ7ynRvUIu5ZihTqUN/s320/IMG_4516.JPG" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319522387558556578" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD212-TARvVPYlbvH-lfSwBIcsOIgXqW3TnHjgkJRuqs1GMrs1NspZDoqN3i21eA1-y2OflLyD4oSeZxqdrPkEG5iCDHFQ_PgsV5iRVmscH_qbYPiEdUT0eIRe6IZESH5ti6_9eTSKAG-M/s320/IMG_4518.JPG" border="0" />Again, maybe it's just the hormones, but I have been getting choked up lately when I think about the enormity of our life. Daddy painted over my beautiful mice, stars and moons from Eli & AJ's nursery a couple of weekends ago. As hard as it was to go in that room and imagine a new baby with us, it has been equally hard to watch it disappear. I think it will get easier as I get it decorated and as we get closer to the day of Bubble Jack's arrival. A fresh start for him. :) He deserves that...we need it...it all works out in the end.<br /><br />I will post pics of the new nursery after I get it all decorated, but for now, here are pics of the stars, moons and mice nursery... <img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319520773833314386" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDC3LcpA96nu_n2VdU9aAPrNDr0tUkBsddBVqHDKITnVRNuwnu9wjZ81ZRsf9LmN2ItjekOwaPOyx4Z39n00CXaTDozssIe0-3l9ldD2wCwhEZ3mJeyL8D57K0UDeUK5fN7V6x4Kwz2TzJ/s320/IMG_4502.JPG" border="0" /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319520783282260114" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy_zLr-cstrbiYk_Av8-BnHCEPMzttm7mTGJnIZPhAcZn5zEvo_ZebxbVLNnvwMz8IX_HISWhdWChNqDhNpv8xXouL80nu08xfR2_YFCFYy6OOBF8x9DCCJXETPObc53Z2O1wq9Ww8jHdk/s320/IMG_4504.JPG" border="0" /><br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319520770866841490" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijjurbhog962liG-uZ_JPI95NdAKhU_WSIA4HLnSrSpLsuIrFgGgB0XeFR5akmh5ES_WzX4vKkYQq1mdvvN2X_gRyncLv629XqtMSeRAk8QgRhbN2f2neUuPGAb_82LSx2_9gay_Khukr9/s320/IMG_4497.JPG" border="0" /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319520783421766738" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEhsulpTB-5LqZJIBWFlFfnMkqpklxt57ICzFQ2h9sm6NZWO2OQdjJr5gIroawYNk-hOKFsv43qGFWdLPYGxSR72oJd3mnBk1q0YUTQhBw8UbqrEkRhVyMF5dLZ8c2TTKIap4Wp5yNvVm8/s320/IMG_4506.JPG" border="0" /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319521202590624210" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH1_1ZjCHuw4xy5VDpmAJaVULGIJ2yl-hFAcB-UN256OKmNPdUExEpovBw6Iy2z2uWxrkTpCQBC_zAqUF-CG7EyU5r2eKloQLwEpH02t02dstj6GZVsoyxL0QRZHjU3XhU1jlQnrIGeGqw/s320/IMG_4507.JPG" border="0" /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319520762708060514" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiboRzxMbhygip0-buinpj1nYarJavPVgQP9dHPiXellTVNWJwMncN-EgOqCiA9RCHAZrvBgyWY7w9_E5Kig8dgrqWEA-Uq00HHN5ZHecTeTqay_TLkdf5BfLqIKfP8lmbSxDzezpsoanBh/s320/IMG_4493.JPG" border="0" /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319521208113587282" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzJyDF28rltTvqj96Um5yKTT13ZX9XK1u3RY_AGlBmIUNJroyGg5kOsS2w4Y0MuAdJMsKsElM2utTJYR7NTUHIZ1QGU89vNocrs3HgrJLKGkhu0LJHJyyeyd1qLYczpKUg-q-BkLTi6cvF/s320/IMG_4508.JPG" border="0" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-47395374044341677072009-02-01T09:15:00.004-06:002009-02-01T10:02:04.610-06:00Seriously? Get Over Yourself...I have been attempting to gather all of the items for AJ's scrapbook and put them in sequential order so that when I have a free moment, I can accomplish a page or two so that maybe I can at least get caught up to today. I'm amazed at how much stuff I have for him. :) I guess I have saved every thing because I don't want to forget anything.<br /><br />Well - I've indeed forgotten some of what happened the weeks after he died. I mostly remember crying and sleeping. I remember planning his funeral and being with Al. I remember friends and family rushing in to take care of everything we couldn't think of to take care of. I still feel the crushing sadness when I allow myself to return back to those days.<br /><br />So, I called upon my brothers & sister-in-laws (via email last night) to help me remember a ceremony that was planned at the catholic church for AJ on April 11, 2007. I can't remember much. I don't remember if anyone had their camera or not. I can't remember anything that was said except when the Priest came over to offer his condolences and told Al & I to not keep AJ's ashes for very long...to 'get rid of them'. I STILL don't understand that and if anyone can help with that one, please do!! And I remember the sweet young man in the youth that saw us leaving and asked us to stay to pray the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy on the rosary. I remember feeling at peace during that prayer.<br /><br />About a year ago, some of the siblings in Al's family had a squabble and have not been speaking. I was always taught to forgive and forget when it comes to family because family is all you got! So I don't understand this long standing BS...but anywho. So I got an email back from DSIL that stated very tersely, "Sorry but I wasn't aware of that ceremony, therefore, I didn't attend." She was there, she helped with the flowers and some of the other things...I can't remember what - hence the email! But SERIOUSLY...get over it already people! Our son is dead and you selfish people can't see past the end of your nose to understand that life is short and precious and you don't get to choose when it's gonna end. WAKE-UP! Make up - forgive - forget! We are all family!<br /><br />I know nobody in the family reads this blog - and if they do and they continue to act this way - then it's just a pity. If they do read this then they should know that living life for us is a daily hurt. Something in the core of our being is missing and we can never get it back. We find joy, we make our own happiness...but it will never be what we thought it would be. We will never 'get over it' or fake a smile to make someone else feel ok about the fact that AJ is not here. One of the things that make us happiest is when someone can tell us how AJ's life has been a testament to how they changed their life or how watching us walk our daily life and keeping his memory alive has made an impact on them. I'm just so sad that our own family can't recognize how much that would mean to us.<br /><br />And yes I have been crying for 3 days now... :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-55858989860408004722009-01-30T21:14:00.001-06:002009-01-31T09:44:20.538-06:0022 Months Old...Let me just fall apart for a minute...<br /><br />So January 30th fell on a Friday. I thought that I was 'over' my whole aversion to Thursday's and Friday's, but not so much as here I sit in tears. (AJ was born on a Friday, but we found out he died on a Thursday - seems like everyone dies on a Thursday in my world.) For so long after he died I dreaded Thursday's and Friday's - especially if they fell on the 29th and 30th. I can't imagine how I will react the year that his actual birthday falls on a Friday again. Katie bar the door - Lord help us all on that day. <br /><br />So here I go falling apart on another issue...Bubble Jack is technically due on April 30th. A Friday...preceded by a Thursday...one month after his brother died. Dr P will think I'm crazy if I try to explain my paranoia to him about this...Millwood here I come. I am not typically a superstitious person, but I want this experience to be fresh and new and just Bubble Jack's. I feel like if it all fell just like this, my fear would overrun me and I would not be able to enjoy the day. <br /><br />And since I'm being selfish...I have a few friends who are expecting at the end of March and I am a little nervous that they will have their baby on March 30th...AJ's day. I know millions of people have their Birthday on March 30th, but I don't know any of them...I want March 30th to always be his day and no one else's that I know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to be happy on that day for someone else when I ache for our son. I know those are all things out of anyones control and I will be happy for my friends no matter when their baby comes, but that was just a moment of my selfish ranting...<br /><br />The bottom line to all of this is that I miss my baby. Who would be a big boy of almost 2 years old in just 2 months. Walking, talking and driving his big brother crazy. Just the way I thought it was supposed to be. Reality does bite!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1262379314731873681.post-59678234141951855242009-01-21T17:28:00.003-06:002009-01-21T17:51:15.692-06:003 boysI am sitting here creating a blog for my cakes. Something that is LONG overdue and no doubt a daunting task based on the shear number of cakes I have made at this point. As I sit here, baby boy #3 is bouncing up and down on my bladder jamming to his big brother's favorite band - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ZZ</span> Top - and probably wondering when his mother is gonna get a grip? <br /><br />Maybe I'm hormonal, maybe sleep deprived due to this horrible cold I have, maybe nervous/anxious about his arrival, maybe I'm just a regular old certifiable crazy lady...but the tears are often uncontrollable when I think about the BIG picture of our lives. The fact that we are about to have 3 boys...what would it be like to have 3 boys running around? As painful as it is - the fact is that this little miracle growing right now would not have been an option if <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">AJ</span> hadn't died. We had no plans of having more than 2 children. <br /><br />Scanning the cluttered desk before me my eyes met the scripture "...I am fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalm 139:14 on the back of the ticket stub from a Steven Curtis Chapman concert we were blessed to attend back in July. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">AJ</span> was fearfully and wonderfully made and his short life served a greater purpose in our lives than we could ever imagine. And Bubble Jack - growing and kicking inside me - was fearfully and wonderfully made with a divine purpose of his own. We HAVE 3 boys! Until the day we die, we will always be the parents of 3 boys. Should God's plan include our time on earth with them or not, we were chosen to serve our purpose as the parents of 3 boys. And the day each of them were born - God danced!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2