Keyboard is working again...woo hoo!!

Well, we had a slight computer glitch over the past few weeks, so now I am back in business.

A lot happens in a short amount of time. First, I was finally able to hold a baby. Jen my prego buddy (Sawyer who is a little over a month older than AJ) has been a trooper through all of this with me. It has been so hard for me to see Sawyer for the longing of what should be with AJ. The last week of June, I saw Sawyer for a few brief moments. I was able to touch his back and say "hi" but was devastated for HOURS afterwards. A week later on the 4th, Jen grabbed my hand and took me to the back bedroom to hold Sawyer. She had warned me that it was coming, but I still didn't know how I would do.

I took Sawyer into my arms. For a moment, I felt like I stopped breathing. I held him out and began to talk to him. He laughed and giggled and cooed and talked. Jen stood there in amazement at how much he talked and our instant connection. It was if AJ was talking to me through Sawyer..."don't cry mommy, I'm happy and safe".

Peace and sadness and comfort all at once. Sawyer will always be our reminder of our little man that isn't here. We are blessed to have great friends like Jen and Sean that will be patient with us as we cry and love on Sawyer over the coming years. He may never really understand how much seeing him grow up will be of the utmost importance to us, but someday we will tell him how much strength, peace and courage he provided at just 5 months of age.

Eli is just growing like a weed and talking up a storm. He is SO big in all he says and does. I think we both take in every word and every day so much differently now. Dr Peters has given us the green light to start trying again when we are ready. God is in control, all we can do is pray He trusts us in His time with another miracle.

Thursday's

It's weird, but everyone I know who has died in the last year has died on a Thursday. Last summer a young man from the church died on a Thursday. The following Thursday a friend from HS died. The following Thursday my cousin Joseph was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.

AJ although officially was born on Friday morning, the whole process began on a Thursday night. My "work dad's" mother died on my birthday - a Thursday - a couple of weeks ago. And now - today - Thursday - my sweet dear grandpa B died in his sleep last night. It's just weird...

While he had been suffering from short term memory dementia for a while, he still knew who we were and could still tell the best stories of old. He loved to sing to Eli over the phone - always coming up with a new song to sing. He would tell Eli about the trains he used to drive and although Eli might not have quite understood it all, he told the stories so gentle and fun. He always said "I love you" before hanging up the phone. And like son like father, you could always catch him checking the back of his eyelids. I love to think of him singing to AJ all the sweet songs he has sung to Eli. My heart is broken for my dad - he loved him so. I am so tired of people dying, but I suppose it is part of life right? xoxo