Happy 2nd Birthday AJ!

What a beautiful day your birthday turned out to be! I have been praying for a 'non-rainy' day, and my prayers were answered. We always plan a family holiday for AJ's birthday...and well - being 35 weeks I couldn't travel, so we decided to stay close and go to the Fort Worth Zoo. It was a beautiful day. We traveled the paths of the zoo for about 3 hours. I bench hopped and people watched while Eli and daddy went to explore the inside exhibits. We always wear our MEND t-shirts on AJ's Birthday . I secretly hope that someone will ask so we can share his story. A lot of people stare, but we are yet to be asked. Maybe next year. :) Admiring the turtles...I love these moments!

That is THE sweetest look ever!!!! (both the birds and E's expression)
I missed this exhibit, so glad daddy had the camera!Gotta love the elephants! Good thing I didn't wear gray...I'd blend in!

We finished the day with family and close friends coming over for dinner, cake and a balloon release. I absolutely love everyone coming together to write a special message on balloons to send up to AJ. The love, hugs and fact people remember him with us on his birthday make us so happy. I will post pics of the balloon release soon...gotta figure out how to get them off of the camera onto this new machine. Daddy will have to show me the trick! :)

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I overheard Al and Eli sitting in the office at the computer. Al was looking at an email from my Uncle Joe regarding fallen soldiers. It showed the American Indian rituals that are performed for those fallen soldiers. This email sparked questions from Eli about where AJ was buried. I heard Al trying to explain to Eli that AJ isn't buried, but instead cremated. Eli said he didn't remember what AJ looked like. Al pulled up the pictures and began talking to Eli about AJ and going through the pics. Al started to cry a little and Eli said, "Are you crying because you miss AJ? Sometimes I cry too when I miss AJ."

My heart was sinking listening to them. I truly regret not having Eli come up to the hospital to hold his brother. We thought it would scar him for life, but in hind sight, probably not. He is such a wonderful, insightful little boy. Such a gentle loving spirit. I can't wait to see him with Alex and how he interacts with him. He is always kissing and rubbing my stomach telling Alex he loves him. It should be an exciting month coming up as we meet AJ's handpicked little brother. ;)

The Why's & What's....

Ok - if you have kept up with my blog you know that I don't ask the question "why" when it comes to AJ's death. I am, however, going to ask the question why about something else.

Why???...do people feel the need to say "you are young and healthy - you can just have another baby"? When someone’s mother, father, grandparents, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, friend, or enemy dies, we don't rush right up to them and say "don't worry - you can get another one."

We want another baby - but not to replace AJ - to enhance our family. To watch them grow, teach them right from wrong, to love and cherish every moment we will hopefully be blessed with. Often, Al will say that he is not so sad for us, but for what Eli is missing in his little brother - a friend, playmate and buddy. As parents, we want to fulfill that privilege for Eli. Al and I are both blessed with wonderful siblings, and my heart aches at the thought that Eli may never have that in the flesh.

We are not in search of a quick fix to our pain, anger or sadness. A baby would help restore hope, but it will never take away our pain. Someone said this week that they don't know how to help us. I have spent hours thinking of an answer to that. The comment has laid very heavy on my heart. The simple truth is that we just need our friends to be there. Listen. Don't try to have great words of wisdom - there are no words. Call and ask us out for dinner. We have spent almost a year trying to restore normalcy to our lives and that will not come if our dearest friends are too afraid to be around us.

I am a huge fan of Casting Crowns. One of their songs talks about "Love them like Jesus". In my search for a response for the question "what can people do for us" I always go back to that song. You don't need the answers, just be here, and love us unconditionally, like Jesus - even if that means you are out of your comfort zone.

We know people feel helpless around us. Imagine living in our skin 24/7 - we are the definition of helpless. We wander this earth trying to find and pick up pieces of this storybook life that we once had dreamed of. I don't think we will ever really find all the pieces - I don't think that's God's intention. He doesn't provide things in a nice pretty box labeled "Life". He unveils life to us once piece at a time. AJ dying happens to be a piece of our puzzle...it doesn't fit the way we expected it to all fit - but it is indeed part of our puzzle...and our picture of life is so much more beautiful, humble and complete with AJ in it.

If you have 10 minutes or so, watch the video below...touching!