The Why's & What's....

Ok - if you have kept up with my blog you know that I don't ask the question "why" when it comes to AJ's death. I am, however, going to ask the question why about something else.

Why???...do people feel the need to say "you are young and healthy - you can just have another baby"? When someone’s mother, father, grandparents, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, friend, or enemy dies, we don't rush right up to them and say "don't worry - you can get another one."

We want another baby - but not to replace AJ - to enhance our family. To watch them grow, teach them right from wrong, to love and cherish every moment we will hopefully be blessed with. Often, Al will say that he is not so sad for us, but for what Eli is missing in his little brother - a friend, playmate and buddy. As parents, we want to fulfill that privilege for Eli. Al and I are both blessed with wonderful siblings, and my heart aches at the thought that Eli may never have that in the flesh.

We are not in search of a quick fix to our pain, anger or sadness. A baby would help restore hope, but it will never take away our pain. Someone said this week that they don't know how to help us. I have spent hours thinking of an answer to that. The comment has laid very heavy on my heart. The simple truth is that we just need our friends to be there. Listen. Don't try to have great words of wisdom - there are no words. Call and ask us out for dinner. We have spent almost a year trying to restore normalcy to our lives and that will not come if our dearest friends are too afraid to be around us.

I am a huge fan of Casting Crowns. One of their songs talks about "Love them like Jesus". In my search for a response for the question "what can people do for us" I always go back to that song. You don't need the answers, just be here, and love us unconditionally, like Jesus - even if that means you are out of your comfort zone.

We know people feel helpless around us. Imagine living in our skin 24/7 - we are the definition of helpless. We wander this earth trying to find and pick up pieces of this storybook life that we once had dreamed of. I don't think we will ever really find all the pieces - I don't think that's God's intention. He doesn't provide things in a nice pretty box labeled "Life". He unveils life to us once piece at a time. AJ dying happens to be a piece of our puzzle...it doesn't fit the way we expected it to all fit - but it is indeed part of our puzzle...and our picture of life is so much more beautiful, humble and complete with AJ in it.

If you have 10 minutes or so, watch the video below...touching!

10 months

Wow - the time flies, yet I can't really tell you what has happened in the last 10 months. It's hard to believe that AJ would be cruising around, eating all kinds of things and probably be saying his first words by now.

I was uplifted today by a friend at work who said she still thinks of us, prays for us, and sometimes even still cries for us. I respect people who can just be real and honest with me, ask how I am without the fear of making me cry - yet crying with me when I do. As the time gets farther out, fewer people ask how we are. It is really special to me when someone does and tells me the way they remember AJ. And amazingly enough, I always encounter those special people when I'm having a really sad day...coincidence? I think not!!