Another Dream...

The intellectual side of me says that dreams are a result of something that is imposing on our subconscious mind. The sentimental, faithful side of me believes that dreams can sometimes be a window into the unknown...occasional glimpses of heaven?

Early Easter Sunday morning I had a dream that I am certain was a message from heaven. My sister-in-law's mother, Bea, passed away in late January after many years of failing health. She was fragile and petite when she went home to the Lord.

In my dream, all of my SIL's family was there...we were there dropping off food. Everyone was happy and doing well. It was current date. As I was leaving out of this house, I stepped down a few concrete steps and Bea was standing there in a tan linen suit, healthy and strong. We embraced as we had the following conversation:

She said to me, "Why don't you ever come visit me?" I replied, "Because it makes me cry." She said, "It's ok to cry." I of course was crying in my sleep at this point.
I asked her, "Is he ok?" (referring to AJ). She said, "He's just fine." I asked her to please hold him for us and she said, "I do every day." I asked her to kiss him and tell him how much we love him...

At this point I woke up sobbing...I cried all day and continue to cry as I type this. It was so real, so vivid! Is it possible that God gives us the opportunity to see loved ones in our dreams to calm our hearts? We of course went to visit Bea today and leave her a little flower and a pin wheel for AJ. Til we meet again in our dreams...

Grief Revisited

The MEND Newsletter topic this time is Grief Revisited...I guess you can say there are times I wish grief could go away so I could have time to miss it and have it come for a 're-visit'. It is always lurking in the shadows of my heart...waiting for the most inconvenient time to pop out and send my world crashing. I am thankful for our grief...this is the article I wrote for the newsletter.

"Thankful for Grief"

I never imagined I could be thankful for something like grief. Until our son‘s death on March 30, 2007, our family had been relatively spared by the tragedy of death. Death is an expected part of life, but it is NOT an expected part of birth.

Our grief journey has been full of ups, downs, twists, turns, and at times—all-out crashes! Times of joy, sadness, sorrow, hope, praise, anger, denial, trust and peace. To this day, any number of these feelings can resurface, and back onto the roller coaster we go. The rides are sometimes short with less intensity but always purposeful and sweet in the end as we trust that each moment is part of God‘s plan. With reflection comes appreciation for the lessons learned, friends made, personal growth, and faith strengthened.

Three years later, I find myself healing, but not healed. In fact, I don‘t antici-pate that pain this deep is ever healed; it just becomes part of life, and our cop-ing abilities get better along the way. It is a good part of life. We appreciate things that we might have taken for granted before: a butterfly flittering around at the perfect moment, the birds singing on a gloomy day, rainbows peaking from the clouds, and the delicate snowflakes sent like little messengers of hope. All of this reminding us to ―Be still and know…‖

As we watch our two living sons play on the floor, our hearts ache with the should-have-beens, the wish-it-weres, and the desperate desire to understand the plan. Grief knocks us down time and time again, but we somehow find the strength to get back up and live for the living—while we long for the lost. We are richer because we are the parents of three boys, not two. We are blessed be-cause God chose us to endure the death of our son. To us, every day of our life is a reflection of AJ‘s legacy that brings us one day closer to God‘s promise. Indeed, through it all, we are thankful for grief!

♥ Amber Zuckerman, mommy to Adrian Joseph "A.J.", M.E.N.D.—Dallas

Thanksgiving...

Have you ever been so thankful that you cry in amazement of God's blessings in your life? As I sit here I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am blessed with an amazing husband and fabulous sons, a home, a car, a good job, wonderful family and friends.

True thanksgiving is being able to see what God has taken away from you and remaining thankful for it.

This year I don't feel much like celebrating the holidays yet. AJ not being here is hitting HARD this year. I don't want to sit around a table on Thursday and have him left out as family talk about what they are thankful for. I don't want to wrap presents for Christmas and not be able to wrap for him.

Maybe it's hitting hard because we have Alex here to see all of that which we missed with AJ. Alex is a joy and we see how happy Eli is being a big brother. He is so amazing with Alex...watches him and protects him. Talks to him and they sit together watching TV or playing on the floor. I guess it makes us sad that Eli had to wait 2 extra years to be able to play with a brother.

I wonder if Eli will resent us for not taking him to the hospital to hold AJ...or would it have been too much for a 2 1/2 year old to take in? He asks so many questions that we can't answer sometimes. Some questions we don't have answers to! As always...it's just one day at a time...one prayer at a time!

Somewhere in the Middle

One of my favorite songs is "Somewhere in the Middle" by the Casting Crowns. Somewhere between the hot and the cold, somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who You're making me, somewhere in the middle you'll find me.

For me this song follows the pattern of grief as we learn to live the new normal without AJ. One second hot or cold...sometimes the new or the old...and always between who I was and who He's making me.

Friends come and go, but we had a couple of friends that went when AJ died. They stepped up to help us plan his funeral, take care of Eli in the immediate days, and then they slowly went away. About a year after AJ died, I couldn't stand the lack of closure for the friendship and so I called her up and asked her to lunch. We sat awkwardly making small talk for a while and when the conversation afforded the opportunity, I asked point blank "What happened? What changed?" Her knee jerk reaction was "People change"! I replied "you're right - WE did change." We haven't spoken since.

God made the decision to change us the day he called AJ home. Unlike some people who may make a conscious decision to change something about themselves, we didn't get that choice. We were catapulted into a devastating life change that forced us to redefine who we are and why we are here.

Who we are? We are people that hurt on some level everyday. We are a mom and dad that miss our son deeply everyday but must keep on going. We are the parents of 3 beautiful boys - two on earth and one in the arms of Jesus. Our true friendships are raw and without pretense. We are more reserved...more loving...more understanding...more empathetic.

Why are we here? I don't ask God the question 'Why did you take AJ?' I don't feel that He owes us an explanation. I wonder what does He want me to do with this new path He chose for us? I work everyday to share our story with someone with hope that I am making a difference in some way. We are here to honor AJ's life and the change he made in our lives.

We grieved the loss of these friends from our lives for a long while hanging on to hope that they would come around and we could have the type of relationship we had before AJ died. All the while we had received closure just a few months after he died and just didn't realize it. It came in an email and it read, "We want to be supportive, but feel that the subject is too much for our daughter, and honestly, the rest of us too, is to much to handle emotionally. I hope that you understand our reasoning for this, we really do want to support you and pray that you all receive strength and love."

Our true friends and our family are there with us through the constant change we endure.

Hello...it's me...

It's been a while. I've forgotten how busy it can get taking care of an infant and now I know what it's like to take care of an infant and a 4 year old. Alex is getting big and had brought back some much needed joy to our lives...the unconditional kind...the innocent kind...the peaceful kind.

That said, the hurt hasn't gone, we just have less time to focus on it. It's usually late at night when the world is quiet and we are holding him that the memories of what is missing creep in. We find ourselves wondering what life with 3 boys on earth would be like. Would Alex even have had the opportunity to make us smile if AJ had lived? We find ourselves wondering if we could try for another.

As with all things, revelation comes with time. When I named this blog Broken-but-Blessed, I was in the trenches of grief. I never imagined smiling again, laughing again or trusting again. Over two years later, I am still broken, but mending. I have found that through being so broken, our blessings abound. God uses me - sometimes boldly, sometimes subtly - to share our story and help others.

I know I've spoken on the topic of surrender in previous posts, but I find that it really is the key. God needs us to surrender, to trust His plan, to "Be still and know". That is a very hard lesson to learn.

I am blessed to know that I must trust Him. I am not in control. I have a constant reminder that no matter what I think I want to happen, I can't control it. I am not perfect. I don't' go to church every Sunday. I don't read my bible like I should. I can't quote bible verses or stories. I don't know all the answers. But I do know to trust in the promises of God (I have these posted to remind me...I don't know these by heart).

" 'Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you...Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' " - John 14:27

"...The saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' " - I Corinthians 15:54

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' " - Isaiah 41:13

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him." - I John 4:9

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - I Corinthians 15:57

A family from MEND lost another sweet daughter this week just less than a year from when they lost their other daughter. I can't imagine their heartache. If I had the right to ask God "why" I would. but instead I turn to prayer for them that He will show them His plan through all of their heartache. I pray that they will find the strength to trust God again should they try again to have a child. I pray that God shows them His mercy and grace like none other. I pray that their hearts will be able to find the joy that comes with the innocent smile of a child. I pray for their peace.

I have recently had a few people say that I should speak to groups of people and share our journey. I think that I would enjoy doing that...I'm praying that God directs my path to the right audience and time.

I'm sending you to your bible for the last promise on my mind tonight... John 11:25, 26. I believe!

Big Brother Day

Today, Eli and AJ will be come big brothers...officially! We can't wait to post pics of our new hand-picked baby brother.

I was thinking last night about how when someone in a family dies, we feel like we have an automatic 'in' with the Big Man. A direct line if you will. In my mind, AJ was able to tell God all about what he wanted in a little brother as if he was born out of a Build-a-Bear workshop or something. We will see how that works out when the terrible 2's hit. LOL :)

I have a level of peace this morning that God's newest plan - though it may not be my plan - is at work. One thing about losing a child, is I have learned more about surrender than I could have ever imagined. I am still strong willed and stubborn...but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't have control over anything...and with that surrender comes peace. Now we must hold on to the peace and pray for strength.

I was writing a card out to a dear friend the other day and this verse was at the bottom...funny - actually - because I was heavily in the midst of false contractions and praying that God would just send me into real labor already so I could get him here. I know that in some ways induction is helping along the process today, but I believe that God put it on the hearts of my doctors to move up the induction from Friday to today for some reason. This verse not only hit home because of it's meaning, but Alex's middle name is Isaiah and to me it was yet another instance of God reminding me to "Be still and know..."

Isaiah 40:31
'But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.'

This is my focal point of the day.

Tough Day

We went for a doctor appointment today. Bubble Jack is growing and doing just fine as of right now. :)

I was NOT thinking when I made the appointment for today! Not only did I have to see Dr B today (the doc that delivered AJ) but today he would have been 19 months old. Since this was really the first time that I've had face-time with Dr B, it was a real challenge. It all dawned on me while driving to the appointment. I was very thankful that Al was going to be with me and I wouldn't have to do it alone. I think it was hard for Dr B as well...I can't say that she has grown on me at all, but I definitely respect and am glad that she was there to deliver AJ. If I didn't love Dr P so much, I would probably change offices because of the hard memories I have to deal with at each appointment.

Speaking of hard...work has been very hard lately. My opinions are not valued, I am not appreciated or trusted and I'm tired of being treated like an idiot. I have so much to offer the university and my office, but I'm not allowed to do it. I went from being a keystone in a department that I loved, but that I needed to get out of, to a pebblestone in a department that I really thought I could do good and contribute to. I've learned a lot about the word 'control' since AJ died and have realized the lack of control that we really have in life. Therefore, I find it harder to deal with people that refuse to realize that life is not about controlling people and situations. Life is about teaching and learning. I believe in empowering people, teaching people, sharing and developing others with the knowledge I have and in turn learning from them. I believe in learning from failure and mistakes and allowing others to fail so they can learn as well. I think I am beginning to realize that I miss management because so much of management is teaching and learning. Don't get me wrong, I was at a time in my life that I needed to not manage people after AJ died because I could barely manage myself...but I have found that I really miss the reward of empowering and teaching others. Something has to change in the future because I refuse to waste away unappreciated for years to come. I need more and have more to give.

The one upside of work is the fact that I don't have to deal with a lot of questions about this pregnancy. I can't begin to describe how emotional I feel about everything to do with this pregnancy. Every time there is a spot of blood, pain or ache I fear that it's the end. Don't get me wrong - I'm not living in fear, but I am a mess worrying about this baby's safety. We haven't told Eli yet because we can't bear to have to tell him that he has yet another sibling in heaven. His perception of AJ and heaven seems so mature for only being 4 years old. We were driving down the street and he began singing a song out of nowhere, "I am going to eat all of my vegetables and food so I can grow up and be big and tall to go up in the sky to my brother AJ and Jesus, and I'll get to see my favorite dog Sonora"...I was in tears!! Just amazes me how he grasps that his brother and his dog are in heaven with Jesus and he seems ok with it. I'm not ok with it...but his innocence reminds me that God has it all in His hand and I'm cool with that. I'm thankful for God imparting a 4 year olds wisdom on us through this journey.

Happy Birthday Blog...

I sat numb in my room tonight as I found the journal I used to document the first days after AJ died. I stopped my last journal entry in mid sentence, "At one point during the service I turned my head to see who was there, and the...". I can't tell you what happened to my train of thought, but the finish to that sentence was "...the...first person I saw was Dr Peters, and I lost it."

I knew in my mind that at some point last April I began this blog to document where we had been and where we were going. I'm so thankful for dear old blog, you see - without this, I would have NO idea what had happened in our lives for about 4 months after AJ died and would have little recollection of the remainder of the year.

I suppose because I have no actual memories of this time last year, I have returned to a sense of numbness. On some levels I am reliving the pain, but I can't remember - so it is different. I just find myself with a dull ache and emptiness. Sometime overwhelming sadness, sometimes not. A holding pattern of sorts I suppose.

So I find it only fitting to wish my dear old/new friend - ajsmom-n-dad.blogspot.com - HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!! You have provided a much needed outlet, support and memories. Thank you to my faithful readers. God bless those who have happened upon our story during a time of sadness and hurt for your own children. Thank you for emailing me to let me know that AJ's life touched yours. May his memory live forever.