Tough Day

We went for a doctor appointment today. Bubble Jack is growing and doing just fine as of right now. :)

I was NOT thinking when I made the appointment for today! Not only did I have to see Dr B today (the doc that delivered AJ) but today he would have been 19 months old. Since this was really the first time that I've had face-time with Dr B, it was a real challenge. It all dawned on me while driving to the appointment. I was very thankful that Al was going to be with me and I wouldn't have to do it alone. I think it was hard for Dr B as well...I can't say that she has grown on me at all, but I definitely respect and am glad that she was there to deliver AJ. If I didn't love Dr P so much, I would probably change offices because of the hard memories I have to deal with at each appointment.

Speaking of hard...work has been very hard lately. My opinions are not valued, I am not appreciated or trusted and I'm tired of being treated like an idiot. I have so much to offer the university and my office, but I'm not allowed to do it. I went from being a keystone in a department that I loved, but that I needed to get out of, to a pebblestone in a department that I really thought I could do good and contribute to. I've learned a lot about the word 'control' since AJ died and have realized the lack of control that we really have in life. Therefore, I find it harder to deal with people that refuse to realize that life is not about controlling people and situations. Life is about teaching and learning. I believe in empowering people, teaching people, sharing and developing others with the knowledge I have and in turn learning from them. I believe in learning from failure and mistakes and allowing others to fail so they can learn as well. I think I am beginning to realize that I miss management because so much of management is teaching and learning. Don't get me wrong, I was at a time in my life that I needed to not manage people after AJ died because I could barely manage myself...but I have found that I really miss the reward of empowering and teaching others. Something has to change in the future because I refuse to waste away unappreciated for years to come. I need more and have more to give.

The one upside of work is the fact that I don't have to deal with a lot of questions about this pregnancy. I can't begin to describe how emotional I feel about everything to do with this pregnancy. Every time there is a spot of blood, pain or ache I fear that it's the end. Don't get me wrong - I'm not living in fear, but I am a mess worrying about this baby's safety. We haven't told Eli yet because we can't bear to have to tell him that he has yet another sibling in heaven. His perception of AJ and heaven seems so mature for only being 4 years old. We were driving down the street and he began singing a song out of nowhere, "I am going to eat all of my vegetables and food so I can grow up and be big and tall to go up in the sky to my brother AJ and Jesus, and I'll get to see my favorite dog Sonora"...I was in tears!! Just amazes me how he grasps that his brother and his dog are in heaven with Jesus and he seems ok with it. I'm not ok with it...but his innocence reminds me that God has it all in His hand and I'm cool with that. I'm thankful for God imparting a 4 year olds wisdom on us through this journey.

My dear friend Poly

Ok - yes that is meant with the utmost snarkiness!! I have a friend - her name is Poly - she is a distant relative of Aunt Flo. And let's face it - every woman knows Anut Flo. Well Poly - she is evil. She won't leave me alone!

You see, Poly and I became friends about 5 years ago when dear Dr. Peters introduced us. He looked at me and said "you may never be able to have kids - but we will try this medicine and I'll see you back in 6 months." Well - I wasn't really ready to accept Poly at that stage in my life, so I showed her - 6 weeks later - we were pregnant (totally a miracle - I had nothing really to do with it - I know). Eli's pregnancy was so nerve racking - spotting, cramping, tired, doctor visits all the time. But he came and he is wonderful.

Well , Poly and I remained estranged for years. In the summer of 06, I once again was blessed when we found out we were pregnant - this time without meds. It was a miracle - Dr Peters said sometimes Poly goes away after a normal pregnancy - was I fixed? I didn't care - we were going to have another baby. AJ's pregnancy was not as difficult, but I was still on edge just because - well - what mother doesn't worry about every little ache and pain when they are prego? We made it through the first trimester and well - one assumes everything is ok after that. I think you all know the story from here... God called our little angel home and now Poly is back for an extended stay.

I had hoped that Poly was gone for good, but not so much. After AJ's birth, my cycles seemed that they might have returned to some since of normalcy. Dr Peters gave me another prescription of the meds just in case they didn't regulate in June. Well, Aunt Flo came for her semi-normal monthly visit in July, August and September. But then Poly came for a visit in October and December. Now Poly, Aunt Flo and I have been duking it out for the past week. There have been moments when I think I'm gonna lose the battle.

So with all of that being said, a different roller coaster that life has me on is this...when Poly shows up, I skip cycles - right. Well, then I get my hopes up that - maybe just maybe - we could be blessed with another child. Then Aunt Flo comes and destroys me all over again. The physical pain is so bad - so reminiscent of the days after AJ died. The emotional pain so deep as it deflates what little hope gets restored in between visits from Aunt Flo. The mental pain is so exhausting! It's so hard not to let fear take over and rule my life. God has a plan, God has a plan...God has a plan!! I am just so afraid that this plan doesn't include more children for us...and there is fear - taking over! Oh I'm such a mess!!