Our Angel in Waiting...

Our Angel in Waiting

Your hands so tiny,
yet so strong just like your dad.
He holds me so tight,
we are both ever so sad.
Someday we will tell your brother,
of the miracle that you are.
We will look up in the heavens
and see your shining star.
We know that Jesus cradles you
and sees your beautiful eyes.
We will find comfort in that,
when we look up to the skies .
Our precious angel in waiting,
watching us each day.
Giving us the strength to live,
and peace each night we pray.

We love you AJ!
Mommy & Daddy

The Ultimate Dedication

As I start this, it's 5 minutes to Mother's Day. A day in which I should be showing off my new 6 week old baby boy. A day we are dedicating Eli at church...we should be dedicating both of our boys at church tomorrow. A day in which I should be celebrating being a mother. Instead I am filled with so many other emotions it's hard to sort through them...

I called my best friend to help. She lost her mother several years ago and I knew she would be an inspiration to me at this time. She empathized with me that tomorrow will be VERY hard, but it is a celebration. Not only for Eli's dedication, but she gave me the perspective that we have already made the "ultimate" dedication to God through AJ. While I am eXtremely selfish and want AJ here, she is right. God gave him to us for those beautiful 9 months and we should spend the years ahead thanking Him for that time and for saving him from this broken world.

It will be an honor to stand in the front of the church tomorrow - Mother's Day- and dedicate Eli...but I physically ache for AJ. The celebration in my broken heart for Eli will be coupled with the pain of my empty arms. My tears full of mixed emotion. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

God I pray for peace, comfort, help, strength, and above all HOPE. It's so hard to hope right now. I want so badly to be strong again - but I'm not. My emotions are running in so many directions - I need peace. I pray - in our lives Your will be done - but we cannot do it alone. God please continue to carry us...

As I get ready to close this, I look over at my daily calendar for May 13th. The inspiration reads:
Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. ~ St. Francis de Sales

It's amazing...I prayed the prayer above as I typed it...I was ready to post this and looked over at that calendar which I hadn't flipped since January. May 13th read that. I am in AWE once again as He answers prayers - sometimes instantly.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL! Mommy & Daddy Love you AJ and I'm so proud to me your Mother!!!!!!!!

Support Group - MEND

I have to give kudos for our support group MEND. It is so helpful to have a place to go to talk and relate to others who are living what we are living. It's the one place we can talk without the other people feeling uncomfortable about our loss (which is a whole other issue - why do people feel uncomfortable??? Is it because people fear death??? Fear making us cry???). It's the one place we are not alone in our thoughts and emotions.

One thing that was said at this past meeting by a wonderful woman who lost her son in January is this...we are all part of an elite group chosen by God to endure what He endured...the loss of His child. That has really stuck with me and will carry me through some of my most difficult times ahead. He does know our pain and He holds our tears in His hands. Thank you Norma for your words of wisdom...I will cherish them forever!!

5 weeks and I'm still numb

I am having another sleepless night...

It amazes me how exhausting it is to grieve. I think I am doing better and then BAM - tears. I think I can make a decision and then BAM - nothing. I can barely hold my eyes open at the end of the day and then BAM - I'm wide awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I have a hard time remembering me. For the last 9 months I was "us". I feel like "me" is missing... How to explain this feeling??? When I make one of my cakes - that is "me" before it was "us" so there I find peace in who "I" was. When I think about work though - all I can think about is "us" because that is where "we" were for the last 9 months - anxiously awaiting the day.

It is also weird because some people don't see AJ as real. So many people refer to this as a miscarriage. We have 4 family members - one just died. We have 2 children - one on earth and one in heaven. I suppose it is because to some since they never saw or held AJ - he wasn't "real". I did not have a miscarriage...he was born still at 39 weeks. He is real...and this pain is real...and I'm still numb.