Saturday, February 28, 2009

Returning to the scene...

With only 7ish weeks to go until Bubble Jack makes his grand entrance (hopefully), I have began to get a little panicked about returning to the hospital. So, I called the childbirth educator that taught us almost 5 years ago when we were pregnant with Eli. She quickly agreed to meet us at the hospital and allow us to tour in private and get some 'face time' with the L&D department. She also packed Eli a "big brother" bag full of helpful things just for him as he embarks upon his new journey of having a baby in the house.

As we rounded the corner in the L&D department, my heart began to sink. All the memories were so fuzzy I wasn't sure where which room it was or how I would react. There was an empty room right next to the room AJ was born in. Heart pounding, we entered the room and looked around. Eli began with 20 questions...I was thankful for that. We looked around several rooms and down the hallway in which they moved us after we left the L&D room.

I said a prayer for the families in each of the rooms we had been in. The doors were closed to both rooms...thank you God. I don't think I want or need to see inside those rooms again...maybe that will change, but I don't think I could have handled it today. We stood there outside of the nursery and shared AJ's story with Kathy. The conversation led to AJ's picture and - of course - I quickly pulled out my cherished pictures of him to show off. Hearing Kathy's comments about how beautiful he was made my heart happy, yet a painful reminder of reality. I think it was equally hard for daddy to be there and be reminded of those first moments. Even after almost 2 years, we are proud parents and it hurts that we can't hold him and share him like any other proud parent. I do love it when we get the opportunity to share AJ's story and show off his pictures. I had that opportunity twice this week and I have to admit, I share it with great pride each time!

We also ventured to Babies-R-Us for the second time since AJ died today. I have identified a few things that we could use for Bubble Jack once he arrives, so I started a registry. We also found a few newborn outfits to choose from for him to wear home from the hospital. Something new - all his own. :) I start going to the doctor weekly this week for non-stress tests. I don't really know what that entails yet, but I will find out soon enough. Bubble Jack is very active and when he is not, he often gets woken up by his paranoid mother.

Eli is excited. I am exhausted and ready, but otherwise doing ok. Daddy is doing everything to take care of me, baby and Eli.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My best Buddy Sawyer...

AJ's best buddy Sawyer turned 2 on Saturday. Thankfully we were able to spend this year's birthday with him - (last year - mommy just couldn't handle it). I can hardly believe that in a few weeks AJ will be 2. We have survived 2 years without we just have to make it the next 60. We gathered a few balloons from the party, wrote a message on them and sent them up to AJ so he could celebrate with us. Eli released them and they got caught in the tree...LOL - Nene said that meant that AJ wished he was here too. Chris got them down for us and we re-released them. They drifted in the sky for several minutes. It was nice.

That is Batman for AJ.

Again, maybe it's just the hormones, but I have been getting choked up lately when I think about the enormity of our life. Daddy painted over my beautiful mice, stars and moons from Eli & AJ's nursery a couple of weekends ago. As hard as it was to go in that room and imagine a new baby with us, it has been equally hard to watch it disappear. I think it will get easier as I get it decorated and as we get closer to the day of Bubble Jack's arrival. A fresh start for him. :) He deserves that...we need all works out in the end.

I will post pics of the new nursery after I get it all decorated, but for now, here are pics of the stars, moons and mice nursery...

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Seriously? Get Over Yourself...

I have been attempting to gather all of the items for AJ's scrapbook and put them in sequential order so that when I have a free moment, I can accomplish a page or two so that maybe I can at least get caught up to today. I'm amazed at how much stuff I have for him. :) I guess I have saved every thing because I don't want to forget anything.

Well - I've indeed forgotten some of what happened the weeks after he died. I mostly remember crying and sleeping. I remember planning his funeral and being with Al. I remember friends and family rushing in to take care of everything we couldn't think of to take care of. I still feel the crushing sadness when I allow myself to return back to those days.

So, I called upon my brothers & sister-in-laws (via email last night) to help me remember a ceremony that was planned at the catholic church for AJ on April 11, 2007. I can't remember much. I don't remember if anyone had their camera or not. I can't remember anything that was said except when the Priest came over to offer his condolences and told Al & I to not keep AJ's ashes for very 'get rid of them'. I STILL don't understand that and if anyone can help with that one, please do!! And I remember the sweet young man in the youth that saw us leaving and asked us to stay to pray the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy on the rosary. I remember feeling at peace during that prayer.

About a year ago, some of the siblings in Al's family had a squabble and have not been speaking. I was always taught to forgive and forget when it comes to family because family is all you got! So I don't understand this long standing BS...but anywho. So I got an email back from DSIL that stated very tersely, "Sorry but I wasn't aware of that ceremony, therefore, I didn't attend." She was there, she helped with the flowers and some of the other things...I can't remember what - hence the email! But SERIOUSLY...get over it already people! Our son is dead and you selfish people can't see past the end of your nose to understand that life is short and precious and you don't get to choose when it's gonna end. WAKE-UP! Make up - forgive - forget! We are all family!

I know nobody in the family reads this blog - and if they do and they continue to act this way - then it's just a pity. If they do read this then they should know that living life for us is a daily hurt. Something in the core of our being is missing and we can never get it back. We find joy, we make our own happiness...but it will never be what we thought it would be. We will never 'get over it' or fake a smile to make someone else feel ok about the fact that AJ is not here. One of the things that make us happiest is when someone can tell us how AJ's life has been a testament to how they changed their life or how watching us walk our daily life and keeping his memory alive has made an impact on them. I'm just so sad that our own family can't recognize how much that would mean to us.

And yes I have been crying for 3 days now... :)