I have been attempting to gather all of the items for AJ's scrapbook and put them in sequential order so that when I have a free moment, I can accomplish a page or two so that maybe I can at least get caught up to today. I'm amazed at how much stuff I have for him. :) I guess I have saved every thing because I don't want to forget anything.
Well - I've indeed forgotten some of what happened the weeks after he died. I mostly remember crying and sleeping. I remember planning his funeral and being with Al. I remember friends and family rushing in to take care of everything we couldn't think of to take care of. I still feel the crushing sadness when I allow myself to return back to those days.
So, I called upon my brothers & sister-in-laws (via email last night) to help me remember a ceremony that was planned at the catholic church for AJ on April 11, 2007. I can't remember much. I don't remember if anyone had their camera or not. I can't remember anything that was said except when the Priest came over to offer his condolences and told Al & I to not keep AJ's ashes for very long...to 'get rid of them'. I STILL don't understand that and if anyone can help with that one, please do!! And I remember the sweet young man in the youth that saw us leaving and asked us to stay to pray the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy on the rosary. I remember feeling at peace during that prayer.
About a year ago, some of the siblings in Al's family had a squabble and have not been speaking. I was always taught to forgive and forget when it comes to family because family is all you got! So I don't understand this long standing BS...but anywho. So I got an email back from DSIL that stated very tersely, "Sorry but I wasn't aware of that ceremony, therefore, I didn't attend." She was there, she helped with the flowers and some of the other things...I can't remember what - hence the email! But SERIOUSLY...get over it already people! Our son is dead and you selfish people can't see past the end of your nose to understand that life is short and precious and you don't get to choose when it's gonna end. WAKE-UP! Make up - forgive - forget! We are all family!
I know nobody in the family reads this blog - and if they do and they continue to act this way - then it's just a pity. If they do read this then they should know that living life for us is a daily hurt. Something in the core of our being is missing and we can never get it back. We find joy, we make our own happiness...but it will never be what we thought it would be. We will never 'get over it' or fake a smile to make someone else feel ok about the fact that AJ is not here. One of the things that make us happiest is when someone can tell us how AJ's life has been a testament to how they changed their life or how watching us walk our daily life and keeping his memory alive has made an impact on them. I'm just so sad that our own family can't recognize how much that would mean to us.
And yes I have been crying for 3 days now... :)
18 Years.
5 months ago
2 comments:
Amber, you have been in my thoughts. Reading this post made me realize we are not alone. You asked as to why you wanted to quickly get rid of your son's ashes? Let me give you my own personal experience.
I lost Miles when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. They induced and what the doctors assumed was a "dead fetus" was my breathing son. My BREATHING SON! He took a few breaths (about 3-4) and passed away in the palm of my hand. There was "nothing" they could do. I did not have a ceremony because I was alone during this time (my husband at the time was not willing to be around). So I asked for the ashes to "get rid of them" as quickly as I could as well. My reason, so that Miles could travel as fast as the winds could carry him to heaven. Then I know he will be surrounded by love, surrounded by tenderness, surrounded by those who will never do him harm and to forever look down upon his Mother and know he is deeply missed and loved since the day he was born. He would be 10 years old now. I cry in secret on his Birthday and always release a balloon into the sky with a small note: "you are loved, you are remembered - Mamá."
So, to answer your question, perhaps you wanted AJ to be released to fly as quickly as possible for him to reach Heaven as well? To always feel the love that flows freely within you with each heart beat?
It is my own assumption due to experience, and perhaps I am wrong. But thank you Amber. Thank you for allowing me to finally share with someone and to share with me!
You are loved,
Jessica
Amber, thinking and praying for you right now.
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