Thursday, August 30, 2007

5 months

So I must be a masochist, I was curious about what my little man would be doing now at all 5 months of age if he were here. So I went on to to read about his milestones. He would be reaching for us, know his name and interested in sounds and language. It's all just so unfair to be honest.

So August has not been such a great month. A year ago last Friday a friend from HS died unexpectedly. Friday will be one year from when my cousin Joe was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. Today marks 5 months since AJ died. I hope the 'bad' year of our life is over now. Let's hope life runs on a fiscal year and not a calendar year. HA!!

For those who don't know, we chose AJ's name - Adrian because we had to have a name starting with "A" and we liked it, and Joseph after my cousin. I am so proud that we named AJ after such a great young man who made such a great impact in his 29 years of life. My cousin was a great guy - well rounded and loved by many.

So where are we at 5 months??? I don't know. I have a goal of sending out thank you notes before the 6 month mark...I hope I can finally do it. I sometimes start and then just fall apart at the daunting task. We are getting ready for the "Walk to Remember" in October which I think will be really nice. Eli's birthday is coming up in October as well - he is insisting on a dinosaur party so I have begun planning that as well. Life is still being endured in weeks, days and moments. Each one passing quickly - yet creeping by.

I will be glad to see the month of August go away to be honest. I have dreaded it for all the anniversaries it carried with it...the anniversary of finding out we were expecting AJ (Aug 15), telling everyone "Eli was going to be a big brother" (Aug 17), death of a friend (Aug 24), death of a cousin (Aug 31). And now August 30 - enduring life without AJ at 5 months.

Amazing what a
difference a year makes -
he looks so young!!

Monday, August 27, 2007

don't even have enough in me for a title...

I thought this process was supposed to get easier as time passes. The saying, "Time heals all wounds" isn't so true.

This weekend has beat me...out of the last 48 hours, I think I have cried 40. I can't even blame it on hormones. I have to be at work in 5 hours for the first day of school...I am so exhausted I can't sleep. I pray this week gets better...

You all know my famous desk calendar that I have posted about in the past. speaks again. Today's prayer is... 'Thank You, Father, for the gift of memory that allows me to hold close the ones I love even after they are with You. Amen' That couldn't be more fitting coming off of this weekend. I'm going to bed...praying for sleep...peace...and strength to get up tomorrow.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Circus

Today we went to the circus. Eli had a great time, but kept asking "is it over now?" every time the lights went out. He absolutely loved the motorcycles in the ball...and the elephants!! It seems the circus has changed 10 fold since we were children. It's no longer the 3 rings, no cannon man, no traditional acrobats. Instead there was a jumbo tron, bad acting, and it was about 1/2 the size it used to be. Everything evolves I suppose.

So we are coming up on 5 months...I have improved in some areas, in some areas I think I have improved and then find that I'm still pretty stuck, and other areas I'm still in the ditch. For the most part I stay so busy that I don't fall apart too often. But when I do - it's horrible.

I find it unreal that God somehow feels it is necessary for me to continue breathing. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to die, but it's just so hard. Life is going on around us and sometimes I just want it all to quit so I can be I can just sit and i can just be. However, something every day reminds me to "Be still and know..." and that is often how I make it through the day...I KNOW He has a great plan.

I hate that we will never get to experience AJ's reactions to the circus. Never see his eyes light up or hear him tell us of his favorite part. Today I couldn't help but think of the million times in my life that I have said I want to run off and join the circus. Despite the fact the circus was considerably smaller and "different" this year, I still welled up with tears as it began just like a little girl. Oh to be a kid again...

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Phone Call

A few weeks ago, I was driving to work listening to KLTY as I normally do and they were taking calls to win Women of Faith concert tickets. They asked you to call in and tell of a time that seemed completely hopless and how God restored your hope. I heard one phone call and the next thing I knew I was dialing the phone.

It rang twice - I couldn’t believe the phone answered and I was put through to Frank (the DJ). I knew at that moment that it was time for our story to be told. I was so excited. I didn’t win the tickets, but our story was told - that was all the prize I needed. I emailed the station to see if it would be possible to get a copy of the call emailed to me and they did. Now I will have it forever – that moment in time when our story reached hundreds or maybe even thousands and maybe touched someone’s life. – What an honor!

PS - if you'd like me to email you a copy of the phone call - I can...I'm just not smart enough to upload it to my blog...hummm...

Thursday, August 2, 2007


An interesting event occurred today. As I was leaving the office for a meeting, a student innocently asked me "how's that baby?". I know she is in the office often, so I questioned her by saying, which baby (I assumed she knew AJ died and was referring to Eli)? She of course replied confused, "the baby you just had" and my response shocked me.

With a strange pride I replied, "I'm so sorry you didn't hear, AJ died. But he is doing great - he is playing with Jesus and just perfect." Of course, she is falling apart apologizing for not knowing and offering sympathies, but I was ok with the didn't totally rock my world as it usually might. Perhaps today was just a good day - had lunch with a dear friend and so mentally I was in a good spot. Perhaps my mind was too busy to be anything but blunt. Perhaps it was just the divine grace that God has provided to respond to that question.

We get through moments in the day - that is called enduring. Each day is different - and for that matter - each moment is different. I am not a fool - I know that is common sense for anyone alive, but you get my point. It is very difficult to endure life. Just because we survive or endure one moment, doesn't mean that we don't completely fall apart later...I am falling apart now. But perhaps that is all part of the plan. God needs us to be mush in order to mold us into what He needs us to be...and hard playdoh is not very moldable.

So many people just don't get it, and it's hard to explain what it is I expect them to get. People get uncomfortable when we talk about AJ, but to us it is no different than if he had been here for 30 years...we just don't have the stories of the life he lived, but rather the dreams we had for him, for us and for our family. We are enduring each day and that is alone exhausting...perhaps someday enduring will trun back into living?