Friday, June 8, 2007

Sticks and Stones...

I thought it would be impossible to hurt as badly again as I did the weeks after AJ's death. I thought I had felt every emotion, been asked every question, hurt as deeply as I could hurt.

At work yesterday though words were said to me that placed a dagger through my already constantly bleeding heart. I felt like dying the moments following these hateful words. Words that came from someone that I thought had an ounce of humility and a christian heart. It was just as if AJ died all over again as that dagger entered my heart and I was left alone to bleed to death.

All the progress that I have made to this point seems gone. I can't sleep, I feel like throwing up all the time, I can't quit crying, I have that hopeless empty feeling and constant thoughts of "what am I supposed to do now?" She is not loosing sleep...she is not crying...she is too busy making it all about her. What about me? MY baby died. MY heart is broken. MY world is devastated because of her words all over again.

It is 5:18 in the morning. In 10 minutes it will be exactly 10 weeks ago that I held my baby for the first time and was told that it would be the last. I don't know what to do...I don't know where to go... I just don't know.... the numbness has set back can anyone be so cruel?