Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I + I = baby

Ok - so my dear faithful readers may have been left wondering when my infertility blog was going to start. Well, at the end of August infertile merytle found out I am pregers. We are only 10-11 weeks along, but the stress and emotions are running high. This pregnancy is about a month off of the time that I was pregnant with AJ so I am passing pregnancy hurdles about the same time. I have not been feeling well AT ALL so it has been rather challenging, but worth it. I know how horrible it sounds, but I seem to live each day waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe that's just part of life for us now - knowing too much about what can really happen to babies - knowing the deepest heartache.

Today, like many others I wasn't feeling well and came home to rest. I woke up around 6pm and immediately - out of the blue - flashed back to that day we came home empty handed from the hospital. The day AJ died and we were left feeling lost and heartbroken. I remember getting home and standing in the rain until Al made me come inside. I remember sitting in his room numb and lifeless until Al moved me into the bedroom. I couldn't eat - Al made me so I wouldn't get sick from the pain medicine. I couldn't close my eyes - Al held me until I fell asleep. For days he held me up when I couldn't make myself move.

How in the world did he do all of that for me? What about his needs, his hurts, his pain? I know on some levels I hope I returned the support to him that he gave to me, but I don't think it in any way measures up. And now - I'm an emotional mess all over again and he is here to pick up my pieces. How in the world did I get so lucky?

I think he shares my nerves and my fear of failure on some levels. But he stays strong and encouraging. I am so afraid of letting him down. I am so afraid of living the heartache again. I know I need to be still and know. It will all be what it's gonna be and the Lord has it all in His hands. We ask you for your prayers for this new life growing, for the strength to get through each day with hope and peace, and please pray for the strength to endure whatever God has in store for our family.