Perhaps...

An interesting event occurred today. As I was leaving the office for a meeting, a student innocently asked me "how's that baby?". I know she is in the office often, so I questioned her by saying, which baby (I assumed she knew AJ died and was referring to Eli)? She of course replied confused, "the baby you just had" and my response shocked me.

With a strange pride I replied, "I'm so sorry you didn't hear, AJ died. But he is doing great - he is playing with Jesus and just perfect." Of course, she is falling apart apologizing for not knowing and offering sympathies, but I was ok with the question...it didn't totally rock my world as it usually might. Perhaps today was just a good day - had lunch with a dear friend and so mentally I was in a good spot. Perhaps my mind was too busy to be anything but blunt. Perhaps it was just the divine grace that God has provided to respond to that question.

We get through moments in the day - that is called enduring. Each day is different - and for that matter - each moment is different. I am not a fool - I know that is common sense for anyone alive, but you get my point. It is very difficult to endure life. Just because we survive or endure one moment, doesn't mean that we don't completely fall apart later...I am falling apart now. But perhaps that is all part of the plan. God needs us to be mush in order to mold us into what He needs us to be...and hard playdoh is not very moldable.

So many people just don't get it, and it's hard to explain what it is I expect them to get. People get uncomfortable when we talk about AJ, but to us it is no different than if he had been here for 30 years...we just don't have the stories of the life he lived, but rather the dreams we had for him, for us and for our family. We are enduring each day and that is alone exhausting...perhaps someday enduring will trun back into living?