Friday, January 30, 2009

22 Months Old...

Let me just fall apart for a minute...

So January 30th fell on a Friday. I thought that I was 'over' my whole aversion to Thursday's and Friday's, but not so much as here I sit in tears. (AJ was born on a Friday, but we found out he died on a Thursday - seems like everyone dies on a Thursday in my world.) For so long after he died I dreaded Thursday's and Friday's - especially if they fell on the 29th and 30th. I can't imagine how I will react the year that his actual birthday falls on a Friday again. Katie bar the door - Lord help us all on that day.

So here I go falling apart on another issue...Bubble Jack is technically due on April 30th. A Friday...preceded by a month after his brother died. Dr P will think I'm crazy if I try to explain my paranoia to him about this...Millwood here I come. I am not typically a superstitious person, but I want this experience to be fresh and new and just Bubble Jack's. I feel like if it all fell just like this, my fear would overrun me and I would not be able to enjoy the day.

And since I'm being selfish...I have a few friends who are expecting at the end of March and I am a little nervous that they will have their baby on March 30th...AJ's day. I know millions of people have their Birthday on March 30th, but I don't know any of them...I want March 30th to always be his day and no one else's that I know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to be happy on that day for someone else when I ache for our son. I know those are all things out of anyones control and I will be happy for my friends no matter when their baby comes, but that was just a moment of my selfish ranting...

The bottom line to all of this is that I miss my baby. Who would be a big boy of almost 2 years old in just 2 months. Walking, talking and driving his big brother crazy. Just the way I thought it was supposed to be. Reality does bite!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

3 boys

I am sitting here creating a blog for my cakes. Something that is LONG overdue and no doubt a daunting task based on the shear number of cakes I have made at this point. As I sit here, baby boy #3 is bouncing up and down on my bladder jamming to his big brother's favorite band - ZZ Top - and probably wondering when his mother is gonna get a grip?

Maybe I'm hormonal, maybe sleep deprived due to this horrible cold I have, maybe nervous/anxious about his arrival, maybe I'm just a regular old certifiable crazy lady...but the tears are often uncontrollable when I think about the BIG picture of our lives. The fact that we are about to have 3 boys...what would it be like to have 3 boys running around? As painful as it is - the fact is that this little miracle growing right now would not have been an option if AJ hadn't died. We had no plans of having more than 2 children.

Scanning the cluttered desk before me my eyes met the scripture "...I am fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalm 139:14 on the back of the ticket stub from a Steven Curtis Chapman concert we were blessed to attend back in July. AJ was fearfully and wonderfully made and his short life served a greater purpose in our lives than we could ever imagine. And Bubble Jack - growing and kicking inside me - was fearfully and wonderfully made with a divine purpose of his own. We HAVE 3 boys! Until the day we die, we will always be the parents of 3 boys. Should God's plan include our time on earth with them or not, we were chosen to serve our purpose as the parents of 3 boys. And the day each of them were born - God danced!