Thursday, January 17, 2008

My dear friend Poly

Ok - yes that is meant with the utmost snarkiness!! I have a friend - her name is Poly - she is a distant relative of Aunt Flo. And let's face it - every woman knows Anut Flo. Well Poly - she is evil. She won't leave me alone!

You see, Poly and I became friends about 5 years ago when dear Dr. Peters introduced us. He looked at me and said "you may never be able to have kids - but we will try this medicine and I'll see you back in 6 months." Well - I wasn't really ready to accept Poly at that stage in my life, so I showed her - 6 weeks later - we were pregnant (totally a miracle - I had nothing really to do with it - I know). Eli's pregnancy was so nerve racking - spotting, cramping, tired, doctor visits all the time. But he came and he is wonderful.

Well , Poly and I remained estranged for years. In the summer of 06, I once again was blessed when we found out we were pregnant - this time without meds. It was a miracle - Dr Peters said sometimes Poly goes away after a normal pregnancy - was I fixed? I didn't care - we were going to have another baby. AJ's pregnancy was not as difficult, but I was still on edge just because - well - what mother doesn't worry about every little ache and pain when they are prego? We made it through the first trimester and well - one assumes everything is ok after that. I think you all know the story from here... God called our little angel home and now Poly is back for an extended stay.

I had hoped that Poly was gone for good, but not so much. After AJ's birth, my cycles seemed that they might have returned to some since of normalcy. Dr Peters gave me another prescription of the meds just in case they didn't regulate in June. Well, Aunt Flo came for her semi-normal monthly visit in July, August and September. But then Poly came for a visit in October and December. Now Poly, Aunt Flo and I have been duking it out for the past week. There have been moments when I think I'm gonna lose the battle.

So with all of that being said, a different roller coaster that life has me on is this...when Poly shows up, I skip cycles - right. Well, then I get my hopes up that - maybe just maybe - we could be blessed with another child. Then Aunt Flo comes and destroys me all over again. The physical pain is so bad - so reminiscent of the days after AJ died. The emotional pain so deep as it deflates what little hope gets restored in between visits from Aunt Flo. The mental pain is so exhausting! It's so hard not to let fear take over and rule my life. God has a plan, God has a plan...God has a plan!! I am just so afraid that this plan doesn't include more children for us...and there is fear - taking over! Oh I'm such a mess!!