Thursday, March 26, 2009

The last heartbeat...

It was 2 years ago today that I last heard AJ's heartbeat. I'm sure I've posted about it before, but today it is really resounding in my memory. I decided Alex and I needed donuts this morning with our orange juice to be sure that he stayed moving all day strong so I can feel him. That he is. :)

I hope I never forget the look on Dr P's face when he listened to AJ this day 2 years ago and paused and said, "Isn't it the best thing you've ever heard?" Dr P mind you is a mellow kind of doc and he truly marvels in the the awesomeness of the sound of a heartbeat and the miracle of life. I believe that it's a large part of why my heart ached for him to find out that AJ had died when he returned to town that weekend.

I have friends through MEND who actually saw their baby's heartbeat stop on a sono. I don't know if I would want to know the exact moment or not...? I do believe that he died in the early morning hours of March 27th, but I'll never know for sure. And that's ok. Our story was written just the way God intended for it to happen. I have to trust Him and His plan though we may not like it or agree with it.

I have so many people who tell me that they admire my strength and faith. I don't see myself as anything special or remarkable. I am thankful for my core faith beliefs because if I didn't have those, I would be lost right now. My strength comes from the flesh - I cry, I'm weak, I'm fragile...still 2 years later I never know what will release my pressure valve and will cause me to lose it. The void is real...keeping my focus on God is my way of dealing with the pain and the physical void in our family.

On another note...I'm sure everyone has see the "I Am Second" billboards by now. On Monday of next week there will be 2 billboards placed in the DFW area by an atheist group saying things like "Don't believe in God? You're not alone." I believe to each their own...I'm not one to impose my beliefs on someone else. But I found great humor from a DJ this morning that said the next billboard will read "I Am First - because there is no one else". I can only imagine how lonely that would be to not have a relationship with God and have to endure life without His grace and strength to carry you when you need him most.

Thank you mom for being sure that God was a part of my life growing up. :)