Monday, June 18, 2007

Eleanor Roosevelt Wisdom

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.


I imagine that when a pilot enters a tailspin the G-force and downward pressure on the body is terrifying and intense. It takes years of training to be able to endure this type of pressure and G-force action. Initially, I'm sure there is an amount of time in which the pilot feels this is the end, how can I recover? That is when the training kicks in and they begin using the tools in which they learned to help them recover and ultimately save the aircraft.

God is our trainer and ever since I was a young child I have been in training. It has been 10 days since I was trapped in a tailspin. It took 3 days for me to start to recover and 7 to land the plane.
The morning of the day I was verbally assaulted, I was so prayerful. A dear family in Arkansas had read our story and gained something out of it. To me, AJ had traveled to Arkansas in just 10 short weeks. I was thankful that God had used our story to help another family hurting. I was praying for peace for that family as they approached the one month anniversary of their child's death. Each time I connect with another family, I feel as though God is bringing us together because our children are playing together in heaven. We are honored to know the families of AJ's friends.

All my glory and praise had been to God that morning. The devil just couldn't stand it anymore, so he crept in and attacked. This wasn't just an attack that grazed the aircraft, it was a mortal attack that sent me into a tailspin. I spiraled down so quickly, I lost sight of the ground and the clouds. In retrospect, I wasn't prepared for an attack assuming I was in friendly territory. I had my guard down assuming I was in a safe place surrounded by friends. I was WRONG!!!

Devastated, hurt and mortally wounded, I didn't know what to do, where to go, or what to say. I was hurt more than when I first heard that AJ was not coming home with us. I was instantly in defense one attacks my child and gets away with it. I had forgotten all of my training and lost my focus.

Sunday morning service was written just for me I believe. Pastor Bill began his sermon asking the question, - 'how many of you have pictures on your refrigerator? If your house was on fire, what would you do your best to salvage and get out? Your pictures. They remind us of happy times, sad times, good times and bad. They are our memories and sometimes that's all we have. One of the things we find most important when taking a picture is that it is in focus...are you living your life in focus with God?' I sat there and cried, God knows my hurt caused by this person. He knew my focus was lost during my tailspin caused by her words. He knew I was struggling to remember and focus on my training to bring me out. He was talking directly to me...'focus Amber'.

Pastor Bill touched on many things that morning. Wounded, I hung on every word desperately seeking to understand how someone could act this way knowing I was defenseless to her attack. At one point, Bill said, "It's not about me, it's all about Jesus." It was if the clouds had parted and the sun began to shine on me again. Duh...I was focused on the wrong things.

I recounted this story to several people of the next few days, each time gaining new perspective on the situation. All were shocked someone could say something like that to me. All reinforced to me that I am in "survival" mode and I need to do anything and everything to survive. All lifted me up in prayer.

On Thursday (one week from the attack), my final perspective came while talking to another mother from MEND. I trembled as I recounted the events to her fearing that I would mortally wound her just by hearing the words that were said to me. I told her about how God had blessed me through the sermon on Sunday and that I was praying for direction and to regain my focus. As I told her about how the devil had captured my soul for those few days and attempted to bring me down and control me, she stopped me and in essence handed me the final piece to this puzzle. She said, "Amber - God allowed this attack on you for a reason. He needed you to be broken and in the place you were to receive His message on Sunday." My plane was landed at that moment.

For the first 10 weeks following AJ's death, it has been all about me...all about Al...all about our family. God is ready for us to now focus on Him. Remember His training. Mount up on eagles and fly. Go and do the work He has for us. Perhaps He is strengthening me because of the great plans He has for me. Or perhaps this storm has just begun?

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I will not pretend to be brave. I will not pretend to have all the answers. I will not guarantee there will not be another tailspin. But I will be better prepared to deal with it.

Philipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

God moves mountains - I have seen it in the past. Lord move this mountain or move me. Guard my heart Lord. Hold my tongue. Repair my wounded spirit and bleeding heart.

Once again I am ready to close this post and I find myself on . Today's devotional is Proverbs 19. Wow...He knows - Lord Move!!!