I can't believe you are 4 years old. I miss you so much every day!
So this 'fourth' year has been pretty rough. I have been trying to put my finger on what is making this year different or more difficult that the last three years and this is what I have concluded...YOU ARE NOT HERE!
The first year - we were grief stricken...every day was dark. Every day was sad. Every day was full of thoughts of what did I do wrong, how could this have been different, what I'd do to hold you one more time and look into your eyes.
The second year was consumed with getting pregnant and then being pregnant. Once we were pregnant with Alex, we were focused on getting him here safely and healthy. It was emotional. With each kick I thought of you. Each time Alex didn't move, I worried. I couldn't sit in your room and think about putting your crib up for another baby. I had to completely redecorate it in the end. We celebrated your 2 year birthday just a few weeks before your brother joined the family. It was hard to be pregnant on your birthday, but it was one of the many things that helped restore our hope. The second your little brother was born, the room was filled with praise as our dear friend nurse Kathy rejoiced with a "THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU JESUS" at his first cry. I know you were there with us that day and I believe you hand picked your little brother to send to us. He is full of joy, peace, sweetness, and kindness. Again, a difficult, but happy time.
The third year we were sleepy, new parents...not much time to mourn. A lot of suppression of our feelings and our longing for you. When the roller coaster forced me on during this year, it was hard, fast, emotion...it would come out of no where, drag me down down down and then I would emerge a little different each time. No better really, but no worse, but totally different. Mother's day this year was HORRIBLE. I cried all day watching your brothers together and thinking about you missing from the mix. Eli is teaching Alex all about you already...it is precious to hear him talk about you and listen to Alex learn how to say your name. It's a precious sound to hear your brothers speak your name!
And then the fourth year has rolled around. I cry a little more often...I think because life has slowed down ever so slightly which allows that darn roller coaster to catch up. I had the realization at the MEND Christmas Ceremony that "THIS" is my life and my life includes having a child in heaven...it includes qualifying simple responses I get about my children because my life isn't so simple...it includes the reward of ministering to others and sharing their burdens...providing comfort...it includes you, just not the way I had planned.
I am so proud that God chose me to be your mommy...but that doesn't change that I would do anything to hold you again and be able to 'mother' you on earth. I trust God and I can't wait until the day I get to see you...but for now, God needs me here. My love for you is endless!!
