Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The morning rainbow

I walked out this morning to be greeted by a beautiful rainbow adorning the sky.  Vibrant colors staring down as if to say - "look at me in all my beauty".  I ran back in the house and grabbed the camera to capture this moment.  The early morning showers and beautiful sunrise provided the ideal setting for this wonderful treat.  I snapped a few shots and jumped in the car.  

Driving in to the office, the sun to my rear bumper, the dark clouds in the western sky were the perfect back drop to marvel in the beautiful work of God.  The shadows that were cast upon the trees by the morning sun made it all look like a painting, and I was driving right into the picture. There in the wind flew the beautiful red, white and blue, reminding me of how blessed we are to live in a country that doesn't kill babies because they are the wrong sex, that I don't have to face religious persecution on a daily basis, that life - each day - is a gift.

I was listening to the Journey (91.7) as I usually do on my way in for my daily inspiration.  But today - my inspiration was so much more.  I found myself wondering if heaven will be this beautiful?  Will I even care once I get there as long as I can hold my son again.  A song came on as Tom Dooley wound the session down titled  "New Day" by Joy Williams.  I drove and cried - and cried and drove.  Then it hit me - today is July 30th....AJ would have been 16 months old today. (( I later found out that Al & Eli saw the same rainbow and it hit Al just the same as it did me.  :)  It's nice when we meet in the middle of the grief cycle if even for a minute.))

Could it be that God knew I needed to see that beautiful rainbow today and hear that specific song?  In the midst of infertility, a sick living child, and a dead baby - was He reminding me to hope?   Hope in the promises He so clearly makes to us?  Hope that this time on earth is but a temporary stop?  Hope that joy will come in the morning...

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

It's been a while...

I apologize for my absence. A lot has been going here it is.

Mother's Day
Well, Mother's day was probably one of my worst days. I stayed in bed and cried all day. I don't really remember much from mother's day last year, so this year I suppose it hit harder than I expected. I should have expected the day to go south as I had been crying every day that entire week. I would get up and do something and ended up right back on the bed crying. I was a horrible wife and mother that day...but I think DH understood and my guilt outweighed the impact of what really happened.

On May 14th, I finally got up the courage to go back to see my doctor to determine if we will be able to get pregnant again. Turns out my friend Poly (PCOS) has been back for an extended stay in my ovaries. Doc said he doesn't think that I have ovulated in months. He started me on Progesterone and Clomid to jump start my ovaries and ran a bunch of labs. It also turns out I have a blood clotting issue and also had to start a baby aspirin daily.

13 1/2 months after AJ died, my wheels came flying off the bus that week. On May 15th, I had - what I endearingly call - a breakdown. I was mad at God for the first time. Mad that He took AJ from us and that my body is not working right now for us to get pregnant again. I was mad that He blessed us with AJ without drugs or medical intervention like we had with Eli, yet He took AJ from us...hence forcing us to go through all of this again. I have had my 2 kids - we were only having 2 kids - WHY$^&*($#@ did I have to go through all of this??? Well, I guess the stress of all of that, coupled with my doc also reminding me that I need to move forward (in a nice way) and telling me that Al and Eli are depending on me to move forward, made me feel like I was having a heart attack. Full blown chest pain, shortness of breath, neck pain, light headed, dizzy, arm pain - you name it - I had it. I tried and tried to calm myself down and couldn't. So we called EMS to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack.

I didn't - just an embarrassment attack!! I couldn't believe that - I - ME - had an anxiety attack. It took me several days to admit it, accept it and well get used to the idea that I am indeed human and can't handle it all. I went and followed up with a cardiologist to be sure that the ticker is good. He said that he sees several women a month who are trying to get pregnant and have similar symptoms so I didn't feel quite as embarrassed as I did sitting in the waiting room with 70 & 80 year olds.

I was also instructed to lose weight to help my body start cooperating again. I began working out every morning and so far have lost 8 lbs - woo hoo!! On one hand it seems futile since my goal is to get pregnant, but I have to do it to get pregnant - so I do. I picture AJ's face during my work outs and imagine holding him again. Another pregnancy will in no way replace AJ, but somehow another baby will help mend our broken hearts. I am petrified of getting pregnant again on some levels, desperate in others, and hopeful all at the same time.

We just finished our second round of Clomid and are back in the sex-filled waiting game. If this round doesn't work, then I think I will start yet another blog that I will not be able to keep up with to journal our infertility journey. We are not willing to admit defeat, although we know that in the future we may have to. God has the plan all worked out...and because I'm still running on a little bit of anger - the plan SUCKS!!! Trying to follow my favorite advice and Let GO and Let GOD...but I'm human and that's hard!!

Check our family blog to catch up with all that has been going on with Eli...