5 weeks and I'm still numb

I am having another sleepless night...

It amazes me how exhausting it is to grieve. I think I am doing better and then BAM - tears. I think I can make a decision and then BAM - nothing. I can barely hold my eyes open at the end of the day and then BAM - I'm wide awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I have a hard time remembering me. For the last 9 months I was "us". I feel like "me" is missing... How to explain this feeling??? When I make one of my cakes - that is "me" before it was "us" so there I find peace in who "I" was. When I think about work though - all I can think about is "us" because that is where "we" were for the last 9 months - anxiously awaiting the day.

It is also weird because some people don't see AJ as real. So many people refer to this as a miscarriage. We have 4 family members - one just died. We have 2 children - one on earth and one in heaven. I suppose it is because to some since they never saw or held AJ - he wasn't "real". I did not have a miscarriage...he was born still at 39 weeks. He is real...and this pain is real...and I'm still numb.