Control

Most of you know that I am OCD. I strive for perfection in anything I do. I try to control outcomes by planning and organizing the world around me. On March 26th when I went to see Dr Peters for my normal visit, I told him I liked the control that I seemed to have when Eli was born. I went to the hospital, they gave me drugs, I didn't feel anything, we had a baby and the world was good. We knew what to expect. I didn't like the not knowing when I would go into labor with AJ. Was this pain or that ache the moment I had waited for? When contractions started, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that these were the real deal. How quickly the reality hit that we are NOT in control.

I have never felt more out of control in my life. I have lost a month of my life trying to regain control of my emotions, my surroundings, my life. A million things race through my mind...I constantly ask "what is Your plan for my life" - this is certainly not the plan I had.

I have several talents and passions in life - am I supposed to be following them? Am I wasting time that has been given to me because I too afraid to take a leap of faith? hummmm... God is using this time to make me surrender to His will - I just hope I am brave enough to follow.

It snowed in April in Texas

The morning of the memorial service Al and I were getting ready. It was an overcast day with rain predicted. We turned on the news to hear a story about a woman who took police on a high speed chase in Dallas - she crashed the car ejecting her 9 month old baby (who was in the front seat without a car seat) killing her. I said a prayer for that baby and the family.

Once I was ready I sat down on the couch in the living room and I prayed that God would allow us to see AJ that day. Allow us to know that he is there with You safe from all harm of this fallen world. As we were preparing for the service at the church my sister walked in and said, "it's snowing. It's April in Texas and it's snowing!" Al and I rushed outside - I looked up as the snow fell on my face and said thank you to God for allowing us to see AJ. Snow took on a whole new meaning that day. The funeral home director asked me if "I ordered this" and I replied, "actually I did". It was a very special order.

As we got in the car to go to the church that morning, I again prayed that as I turned on the radio the song would be a song of comfort and reassurance that God was with us. The song on the radio was Casting Crowns - "Praise you in this storm". We had never heard this song before and it spoke volumes to us that morning.

Lyrics:
I was sure by now, That You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away, Stepped in and saved the day. But once again I say Amen and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you", and as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am, Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand, You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when, I stumbled in the wind, You heard my cry, You raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, If I can't find You.

I life my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Looking back at that day and the hurt and pain we were going through, we know that God was with us every step of the way. He never leaves our side and He holds our tears in His hands...

Don't ask why

So many people have said they just keep asking God - Why? My response to that is this...

Don't ask God why...this was part of his plan from the beginning. God is not doing this "to" us - He is doing it "with" us. He knows how much this hurts. He holds all of our tears in His hands. He is our strength. God protected us in so many ways over the last 9 months knowing that this was His plan. I look back at those 9 months and am amazed that God is that good. We would have never stopped to fully appreciate His work had the outcome been different. But that is His plan.

So far, AJ's life has shown us the abundance of love of our family and friends. We know that broken relationships have been mended. We have had the opportunity to visit with people we would never know and those we may have lost touch with. We hope to be able to help others going through a similar situation in the future. We have grown closer as a husband and wife and as a family. We are growing closer to God daily.