Wednesday, January 30, 2008

10 months

Wow - the time flies, yet I can't really tell you what has happened in the last 10 months. It's hard to believe that AJ would be cruising around, eating all kinds of things and probably be saying his first words by now.

I was uplifted today by a friend at work who said she still thinks of us, prays for us, and sometimes even still cries for us. I respect people who can just be real and honest with me, ask how I am without the fear of making me cry - yet crying with me when I do. As the time gets farther out, fewer people ask how we are. It is really special to me when someone does and tells me the way they remember AJ. And amazingly enough, I always encounter those special people when I'm having a really sad day...coincidence? I think not!!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

My dear friend Poly

Ok - yes that is meant with the utmost snarkiness!! I have a friend - her name is Poly - she is a distant relative of Aunt Flo. And let's face it - every woman knows Anut Flo. Well Poly - she is evil. She won't leave me alone!

You see, Poly and I became friends about 5 years ago when dear Dr. Peters introduced us. He looked at me and said "you may never be able to have kids - but we will try this medicine and I'll see you back in 6 months." Well - I wasn't really ready to accept Poly at that stage in my life, so I showed her - 6 weeks later - we were pregnant (totally a miracle - I had nothing really to do with it - I know). Eli's pregnancy was so nerve racking - spotting, cramping, tired, doctor visits all the time. But he came and he is wonderful.

Well , Poly and I remained estranged for years. In the summer of 06, I once again was blessed when we found out we were pregnant - this time without meds. It was a miracle - Dr Peters said sometimes Poly goes away after a normal pregnancy - was I fixed? I didn't care - we were going to have another baby. AJ's pregnancy was not as difficult, but I was still on edge just because - well - what mother doesn't worry about every little ache and pain when they are prego? We made it through the first trimester and well - one assumes everything is ok after that. I think you all know the story from here... God called our little angel home and now Poly is back for an extended stay.

I had hoped that Poly was gone for good, but not so much. After AJ's birth, my cycles seemed that they might have returned to some since of normalcy. Dr Peters gave me another prescription of the meds just in case they didn't regulate in June. Well, Aunt Flo came for her semi-normal monthly visit in July, August and September. But then Poly came for a visit in October and December. Now Poly, Aunt Flo and I have been duking it out for the past week. There have been moments when I think I'm gonna lose the battle.

So with all of that being said, a different roller coaster that life has me on is this...when Poly shows up, I skip cycles - right. Well, then I get my hopes up that - maybe just maybe - we could be blessed with another child. Then Aunt Flo comes and destroys me all over again. The physical pain is so bad - so reminiscent of the days after AJ died. The emotional pain so deep as it deflates what little hope gets restored in between visits from Aunt Flo. The mental pain is so exhausting! It's so hard not to let fear take over and rule my life. God has a plan, God has a plan...God has a plan!! I am just so afraid that this plan doesn't include more children for us...and there is fear - taking over! Oh I'm such a mess!!

Friday, January 4, 2008


Ok - God has a since of humor and if you don't believe it, look at this...

I received this email in the midst of a - let's just call it what it was - a baby breakdown - and the caption was... 

There's always hope!  
No matter what situation's life throws at you....
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

Sometimes it's hard to remember that simple thing - there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel.  Thank God for friends who know just what you need when you need it!!  :)

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

So Long 2007....

Well, I know I've thought it, if I haven't already typed it before, but I'm so glad 2007 is gone!! Wouldn't trade away with it...or regret it, but don't want to relive it. I am praying that 2008 will bring better things for so many people.

From time to time, grief steps aside and allows us to enjoy something for a small amount of time in our day. We spent the last week in the mountains of South Dakota, and well...I think I would like to become a writer and move to the mountains. (I know that shoveling snow would get old, but it sounds good at the time.) I really missed my computer and blogs, but enjoyed the silence, snow, peace, and beauty of all that God created. Michael W. Smith sings a song about a mountain and how God brings us up to the top of the mountain to "rest and learn and grow, I see the truth upon the mountain and I carry it to a world far below" That song has really helped me in the last 9 months, despite feeling more like I'm in the valley, I have actually been on top of that mountain - learning, resting, growing closer to God.

If you keep up with my blog, you know that we have a special thing with snow...and snow was everywhere. It was great. I felt a great deal of peace, but watching all of the families together with their small children continually took my thoughts back to our missing AJ. To what will always be missing in the flesh, our son. We will never get to watch him attempt to ski, make a snowball or flirt with the snow bunnies. For that we are sad.

Today, New Year's Day, a day I didn't expect to be difficult, was! We slept late, then went to get some lunch, and for some reason - I just lost it. Grief had to remind me it was still here waiting for our return. Starting a new year brings hope yet refreshes our sadness.

Reading through my blog I notice the roller coaster grief has us on. Does it ever stop? Do we ever get a chance to get off? If so, would we want to? I feel like I've been trapped on this coaster for so long it's just what I do....I feel like I will fail AJ if I get off...I feel like I will be in foreign land by the time it stops moving us around. But - I have no control for now I will not worry!! Happy New Year to all!!