Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Ultimate Dedication

As I start this, it's 5 minutes to Mother's Day. A day in which I should be showing off my new 6 week old baby boy. A day we are dedicating Eli at church...we should be dedicating both of our boys at church tomorrow. A day in which I should be celebrating being a mother. Instead I am filled with so many other emotions it's hard to sort through them...

I called my best friend to help. She lost her mother several years ago and I knew she would be an inspiration to me at this time. She empathized with me that tomorrow will be VERY hard, but it is a celebration. Not only for Eli's dedication, but she gave me the perspective that we have already made the "ultimate" dedication to God through AJ. While I am eXtremely selfish and want AJ here, she is right. God gave him to us for those beautiful 9 months and we should spend the years ahead thanking Him for that time and for saving him from this broken world.

It will be an honor to stand in the front of the church tomorrow - Mother's Day- and dedicate Eli...but I physically ache for AJ. The celebration in my broken heart for Eli will be coupled with the pain of my empty arms. My tears full of mixed emotion. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

God I pray for peace, comfort, help, strength, and above all HOPE. It's so hard to hope right now. I want so badly to be strong again - but I'm not. My emotions are running in so many directions - I need peace. I pray - in our lives Your will be done - but we cannot do it alone. God please continue to carry us...

As I get ready to close this, I look over at my daily calendar for May 13th. The inspiration reads:
Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. ~ St. Francis de Sales

It's amazing...I prayed the prayer above as I typed it...I was ready to post this and looked over at that calendar which I hadn't flipped since January. May 13th read that. I am in AWE once again as He answers prayers - sometimes instantly.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL! Mommy & Daddy Love you AJ and I'm so proud to me your Mother!!!!!!!!