Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tough Day

We went for a doctor appointment today. Bubble Jack is growing and doing just fine as of right now. :)

I was NOT thinking when I made the appointment for today! Not only did I have to see Dr B today (the doc that delivered AJ) but today he would have been 19 months old. Since this was really the first time that I've had face-time with Dr B, it was a real challenge. It all dawned on me while driving to the appointment. I was very thankful that Al was going to be with me and I wouldn't have to do it alone. I think it was hard for Dr B as well...I can't say that she has grown on me at all, but I definitely respect and am glad that she was there to deliver AJ. If I didn't love Dr P so much, I would probably change offices because of the hard memories I have to deal with at each appointment.

Speaking of has been very hard lately. My opinions are not valued, I am not appreciated or trusted and I'm tired of being treated like an idiot. I have so much to offer the university and my office, but I'm not allowed to do it. I went from being a keystone in a department that I loved, but that I needed to get out of, to a pebblestone in a department that I really thought I could do good and contribute to. I've learned a lot about the word 'control' since AJ died and have realized the lack of control that we really have in life. Therefore, I find it harder to deal with people that refuse to realize that life is not about controlling people and situations. Life is about teaching and learning. I believe in empowering people, teaching people, sharing and developing others with the knowledge I have and in turn learning from them. I believe in learning from failure and mistakes and allowing others to fail so they can learn as well. I think I am beginning to realize that I miss management because so much of management is teaching and learning. Don't get me wrong, I was at a time in my life that I needed to not manage people after AJ died because I could barely manage myself...but I have found that I really miss the reward of empowering and teaching others. Something has to change in the future because I refuse to waste away unappreciated for years to come. I need more and have more to give.

The one upside of work is the fact that I don't have to deal with a lot of questions about this pregnancy. I can't begin to describe how emotional I feel about everything to do with this pregnancy. Every time there is a spot of blood, pain or ache I fear that it's the end. Don't get me wrong - I'm not living in fear, but I am a mess worrying about this baby's safety. We haven't told Eli yet because we can't bear to have to tell him that he has yet another sibling in heaven. His perception of AJ and heaven seems so mature for only being 4 years old. We were driving down the street and he began singing a song out of nowhere, "I am going to eat all of my vegetables and food so I can grow up and be big and tall to go up in the sky to my brother AJ and Jesus, and I'll get to see my favorite dog Sonora"...I was in tears!! Just amazes me how he grasps that his brother and his dog are in heaven with Jesus and he seems ok with it. I'm not ok with it...but his innocence reminds me that God has it all in His hand and I'm cool with that. I'm thankful for God imparting a 4 year olds wisdom on us through this journey.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I + I = baby

Ok - so my dear faithful readers may have been left wondering when my infertility blog was going to start. Well, at the end of August infertile merytle found out I am pregers. We are only 10-11 weeks along, but the stress and emotions are running high. This pregnancy is about a month off of the time that I was pregnant with AJ so I am passing pregnancy hurdles about the same time. I have not been feeling well AT ALL so it has been rather challenging, but worth it. I know how horrible it sounds, but I seem to live each day waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe that's just part of life for us now - knowing too much about what can really happen to babies - knowing the deepest heartache.

Today, like many others I wasn't feeling well and came home to rest. I woke up around 6pm and immediately - out of the blue - flashed back to that day we came home empty handed from the hospital. The day AJ died and we were left feeling lost and heartbroken. I remember getting home and standing in the rain until Al made me come inside. I remember sitting in his room numb and lifeless until Al moved me into the bedroom. I couldn't eat - Al made me so I wouldn't get sick from the pain medicine. I couldn't close my eyes - Al held me until I fell asleep. For days he held me up when I couldn't make myself move.

How in the world did he do all of that for me? What about his needs, his hurts, his pain? I know on some levels I hope I returned the support to him that he gave to me, but I don't think it in any way measures up. And now - I'm an emotional mess all over again and he is here to pick up my pieces. How in the world did I get so lucky?

I think he shares my nerves and my fear of failure on some levels. But he stays strong and encouraging. I am so afraid of letting him down. I am so afraid of living the heartache again. I know I need to be still and know. It will all be what it's gonna be and the Lord has it all in His hands. We ask you for your prayers for this new life growing, for the strength to get through each day with hope and peace, and please pray for the strength to endure whatever God has in store for our family.