Well, I know I've thought it, if I haven't already typed it before, but I'm so glad 2007 is gone!! Wouldn't trade it...do away with it...or regret it, but don't want to relive it. I am praying that 2008 will bring better things for so many people.
From time to time, grief steps aside and allows us to enjoy something for a small amount of time in our day. We spent the last week in the mountains of South Dakota, and well...I think I would like to become a writer and move to the mountains. (I know that shoveling snow would get old, but it sounds good at the time.) I really missed my computer and blogs, but enjoyed the silence, snow, peace, and beauty of all that God created. Michael W. Smith sings a song about a mountain and how God brings us up to the top of the mountain to "rest and learn and grow, I see the truth upon the mountain and I carry it to a world far below" That song has really helped me in the last 9 months, despite feeling more like I'm in the valley, I have actually been on top of that mountain - learning, resting, growing closer to God.
If you keep up with my blog, you know that we have a special thing with snow...and snow was everywhere. It was great. I felt a great deal of peace, but watching all of the families together with their small children continually took my thoughts back to our missing AJ. To what will always be missing in the flesh, our son. We will never get to watch him attempt to ski, make a snowball or flirt with the snow bunnies. For that we are sad.
Today, New Year's Day, a day I didn't expect to be difficult, was! We slept late, then went to get some lunch, and for some reason - I just lost it. Grief had to remind me it was still here waiting for our return. Starting a new year brings hope yet refreshes our sadness.
Reading through my blog I notice the roller coaster grief has us on. Does it ever stop? Do we ever get a chance to get off? If so, would we want to? I feel like I've been trapped on this coaster for so long it's just what I do....I feel like I will fail AJ if I get off...I feel like I will be in foreign land by the time it stops moving us around. But - I have no control anyways....so for now I will not worry!! Happy New Year to all!!
18 Years.
5 months ago
1 comments:
I know I looked back and thought "Thank God, it's over!" But it never really is. We will continue to be haunted by memories of those no longer with us. We are reminded of those who still are and that leads us back to those that are not.
We lost a child (in pregnancy) and unlike yourself, we never experienced carrying the child completely, but the family seems broken or uncomplete. God allowed us that time, however long to have a life impact us, that it changes us, hopefully for the good. AJ is very much with you. You carry his spirit and memory with you everyday. The only way you will fail him, is if you forget. I don't see that happening, your love for him is too deep, as it should be. Your his mom!
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