The Circus

Today we went to the circus. Eli had a great time, but kept asking "is it over now?" every time the lights went out. He absolutely loved the motorcycles in the ball...and the elephants!! It seems the circus has changed 10 fold since we were children. It's no longer the 3 rings, no cannon man, no traditional acrobats. Instead there was a jumbo tron, bad acting, and it was about 1/2 the size it used to be. Everything evolves I suppose.


So we are coming up on 5 months...I have improved in some areas, in some areas I think I have improved and then find that I'm still pretty stuck, and other areas I'm still in the ditch. For the most part I stay so busy that I don't fall apart too often. But when I do - it's horrible.


I find it unreal that God somehow feels it is necessary for me to continue breathing. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to die, but it's just so hard. Life is going on around us and sometimes I just want it all to quit so I can be sad...so I can just sit and cry...so i can just be. However, something every day reminds me to "Be still and know..." and that is often how I make it through the day...I KNOW He has a great plan.


I hate that we will never get to experience AJ's reactions to the circus. Never see his eyes light up or hear him tell us of his favorite part. Today I couldn't help but think of the million times in my life that I have said I want to run off and join the circus. Despite the fact the circus was considerably smaller and "different" this year, I still welled up with tears as it began just like a little girl. Oh to be a kid again...