Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Back at work

The night before I returned I was devastated. I cried and cried at the thought of having to go and socialize. Return to the chaos. I laid down thinking Eli was already asleep and he heard my cry. He ran his fingers through my hair repeatedly saying, "I love you mommy, why are you sad? Do you miss your baby angel mommy, you miss AJ? I'm so sorry mommy." He was so sweet and so pure, the honesty of his words touched me so deeply. I fell asleep somewhere in prayer around 2:30.

Eli was awake at 5:30 in the morning - that NEVER happens. We are usually lucky to drag him out of bed at 10:00 in the morning. He returned to running his fingers through my hair and say "I love you mommy. It's wake time mommy." I woke up to a peace that only God could place in my soul. As I started getting ready to leave, I fell apart!

Day one was HARD!! Getting there and in the building was the hardest part. Everyone so loving and supportive - Except HR. My one source of frustration this entire time has been getting letters, emails and messages from HR. In the grief process - my anger was directed at that. I just kept thinking - LEAVE ME ALONE...!!!

Monday - upon my return, in an attempt to understand what was done with my time, my anger and frustration was a monster in my day. On the phone with someone from HR - with little mental capacity to even be at work - I was barked at and snapped at and broken down to complete devastation again. This person was talking so fast, so short and curt with no compassion at all - I just wanted to go home never to return for fear of dealing with people that don't get it. This person knows me, I thought to myself, knows my baby could they act this way? How could they be so cold and cruel? Just because I am physically here doesn't mean I am "here".

I left feeling defeated and broken. All of the kindness shown by my coworkers will be the only thing that brings me back every day.