Sad

Today I woke up sad. Like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...can't see the sun...SAD. Besides it being Thursday, besides the fact it's 17 weeks, almost 4 months...I don't know why -- I'm just sad. I miss my baby. I wonder. I hurt. I cry. I'm sad...

Silent Grief

Two more babies died last week - that I know of at least. I know that babies die all the time, but until you live it - it is not spoken of. People don't usually offer this type of information unless they know you have a similar experience. Why? People - children - have died - why is it taboo to talk about? When some one's husband, grandparent, sibling or parent dies - we don't suddenly stop talking about them as if they never existed! Our babies are real people that died...each had their own personality...each one sent to fulfill a purpose.

People often say things to imply that we should be over AJ's death by now. These people feel the need to point out that we should be moving on or finding joy in other things. We do have joy in other things. We find joy in the fact our feet hit the floor this morning and we have yet another day here on earth to watch Eli grow up and family and friends to share life with. We have JOY in God and the perfect plan He has for us.

But while the average friend or family member has gone back to living their life, our life to live is that our son died. He is not here. We can't escape that for even an hour of our day. Others may only remember our pain when they see or talk to us, but we breathe our pain every minute of every day. Occasionally, if we are lucky - something might distract us long enough to smile and have a good laugh. But for as long as we live, we will always hurt. We will never be the same people we were before - but that may not be a bad thing.

Don't make us be silent in our grief. We talk about AJ all the time at home and intend to for the rest of our lives honor his life. Don't belittle our pain. Don't shun us because we may not have something "happy" to talk about. Just let us be - but please - just be there with us!!

Keyboard is working again...woo hoo!!

Well, we had a slight computer glitch over the past few weeks, so now I am back in business.

A lot happens in a short amount of time. First, I was finally able to hold a baby. Jen my prego buddy (Sawyer who is a little over a month older than AJ) has been a trooper through all of this with me. It has been so hard for me to see Sawyer for the longing of what should be with AJ. The last week of June, I saw Sawyer for a few brief moments. I was able to touch his back and say "hi" but was devastated for HOURS afterwards. A week later on the 4th, Jen grabbed my hand and took me to the back bedroom to hold Sawyer. She had warned me that it was coming, but I still didn't know how I would do.

I took Sawyer into my arms. For a moment, I felt like I stopped breathing. I held him out and began to talk to him. He laughed and giggled and cooed and talked. Jen stood there in amazement at how much he talked and our instant connection. It was if AJ was talking to me through Sawyer..."don't cry mommy, I'm happy and safe".

Peace and sadness and comfort all at once. Sawyer will always be our reminder of our little man that isn't here. We are blessed to have great friends like Jen and Sean that will be patient with us as we cry and love on Sawyer over the coming years. He may never really understand how much seeing him grow up will be of the utmost importance to us, but someday we will tell him how much strength, peace and courage he provided at just 5 months of age.

Eli is just growing like a weed and talking up a storm. He is SO big in all he says and does. I think we both take in every word and every day so much differently now. Dr Peters has given us the green light to start trying again when we are ready. God is in control, all we can do is pray He trusts us in His time with another miracle.

Thursday's

It's weird, but everyone I know who has died in the last year has died on a Thursday. Last summer a young man from the church died on a Thursday. The following Thursday a friend from HS died. The following Thursday my cousin Joseph was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.

AJ although officially was born on Friday morning, the whole process began on a Thursday night. My "work dad's" mother died on my birthday - a Thursday - a couple of weeks ago. And now - today - Thursday - my sweet dear grandpa B died in his sleep last night. It's just weird...

While he had been suffering from short term memory dementia for a while, he still knew who we were and could still tell the best stories of old. He loved to sing to Eli over the phone - always coming up with a new song to sing. He would tell Eli about the trains he used to drive and although Eli might not have quite understood it all, he told the stories so gentle and fun. He always said "I love you" before hanging up the phone. And like son like father, you could always catch him checking the back of his eyelids. I love to think of him singing to AJ all the sweet songs he has sung to Eli. My heart is broken for my dad - he loved him so. I am so tired of people dying, but I suppose it is part of life right? xoxo

Family

Growing up, my mom taught me everything I needed to know about family. My "biological sperm donor" left when I was just 4, my brother a newborn baby and my sister was 10. Family was the MOST important thing.

• She taught me to love unconditionally.
• She taught me you don't say things that can hurt your family because they are all you have.
• She taught me that just because the same blood doesn't run through our veins, friends are family and you should always treat them that way.
• She taught me there is always room for one more head at the table and one more body for rest in our house.
• She taught me that there isn't any'thing' in this world that can ever replace someone you love.

We didn't have much growing up - single mother with 3 mouths to feed. My mother gave up so much to provide for us and always had just a little bit more to provide to someone in need. She taught me how to be selfless.

When I think about all that God has blessed us with in life I don't think about our possessions. Instead I focus on the friends God has laid in our path, the love that we share and the family - the family of God that we are in. Without God - without Jesus - our lives would be so dark. My mother taught me that too.

My family in this world is SO huge!! Thank you all for coming to us, thinking of us, and above all else - loving us unconditionally.

My most prized 'things' in life are my family and friends and now a small box of ashes on my dresser that reminds me everyday how precious life is and how blessed we are to know Jesus. Pick your battles and love one another...that's what MY mother taught me!!