Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Ok - So maybe I'll just cry for the next two months...or maybe the next 5??

Well, the impending holidays are taking their toll and haven't even arrived yet. I was in "Martha" mode - planning and such until I took the time to realize what was before me. It's been a while since my last late night here it is.

We went to our monthly MEND meeting last week and on the way home it hit me...I don't really want to be around anyone (family please don't take this personally) or be thankful for anything or hear anyone be thankful for anything this year. I really just want to stay closed up in our house - with my family - and forget that it is "Thanksgiving". --I even asked Al if we could just go camping to get away so I don't have to deal with anything.--

Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for my wonderful husband, my two beautiful sons, my family, friends, job, etc...but I just don't feel like talking about it. Words are so hard to find on a good day...they will be impossible on a holiday. I don't want to hear anyone talk about how thankful they are for anything they have or will have or wish they had. Selfish as it may's just how I feel and that's that!!

My coveted Lillian Vernon catalogue came a couple of weeks ago - TEARS!! when I opened to remember that I would not be ordering another stocking to hang on the fire place...and then I decided to do just that. Order Mr. AJ a stocking to take his rightful place on the hearth with the rest of the family...Al and I discussed it and decided that we would invite friends and family to write notes to AJ every year and fill his stocking with memories for his book. Then at MEND someone recommended that people could write notes to us on how AJ's life has changed or impressed their life. They said that it is very uplifting to go back and read each year and see how our baby's life changed or helped someone else. So family and friends, feel free to start writing your notes to go in AJ's stocking...we'll need something to smile about.

For Christmas, we are going to escape the metroplex and go to South Dakota for my Granny's 97th birthday (on Christmas day). I haven't really looked at Christmas as "Christmas" because it is my Granny's birthday and we are not exchanging gifts or anything so it really hasn't "hit" me yet about the holiday...maybe I'll be blessed to escape a breakdown if I'm not at home?? (wishful thinking). I am having a really hard time with the thought of getting all of my Christmas things out...and Christmas is usually my favorite holiday. I just don't have it in me.

Pray that God can place joy in our hearts this holiday season in some way. Peace to all.


niccalvin14 said...

i can feel your pain in this post. the first christmas after we lost willie, we went to disney world with my parents (i also have 3 older daughters 14, 9 and 6). it was a much needed break from reality for all of us. on a sidenote, i got pregnant 6 weeks after losing willie, and now we have a second baby boy to love. so this past christmas 2007, i started to lose it about 3 weeks before the day. each day i felt like the anticipation of christmas was completely overwhelming, so we went to a hotel about an hour and a half away from our house. again, it was a nice break from reality, and our girls and son swam in the pool and went out for dinner. i just wanted to tell you that i understand. christmas was always my favorite holiday, but now i feel so deflated. we made reservations to go to disney world again this year (2008). i know that my girls will enjoy themselves, but i also know that they long for the "good old days" when they ran down the stairs to see their gifts, and all the traditions that we used to have. may be this is our "new normal"? well, again, i have rambled on for long enough.
have a blessed day!

Amber said...

Nicole - thank you for your kind post. I hurt with you - where are you from and when did Willie become an angel? Peace and blessings - Amber