34 weeks now...38 weeks then....

As we near AJ's 2nd birthday, I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to live through the month of March without counting days. Maybe last year because it was his first birthday...maybe this year because I'm pregnant again....but I count the days until he died - literally torturing myself in some ways with the thought "at this time 2 years ago, he was alive". Everything was still ok at this time 2 years ago.

Yesterday, 2 years ago we had a baby shower for him at work...it was a rainy morning that day, but full of love and excitement for him. 9 days later it was again a rainy morning, full of sadness and pain because he died. Oh how I pray for sun on March 30th this year. I need to wake up that morning and see all of God's beautiful creations glistening under a beautiful sunrise. But as life has taught me in the last 2 years, it will be what it will be that morning and what it is, will be what it's supposed to be.

I say this with wishful thinking on my part, but I hope that we will induce Bubble Jack at about 38 weeks. I fear reaching the 39th week since AJ died at the 39th week...although, Eli was born fine at 39 weeks. Oh the psychosis of a paranoid, heartbroken, excited, fearful, proud mother! I know the odds, the statistics, the reality...but emotions - coupled with hormones - usually win the day. I count every kick wondering if it's the last...I laugh with every hiccup and attempt to implant the memory of it in my mind in case it's all I get...I try to live each day appreciating the aches and pains of pregnancy because it's an experience some never get. For all of the craziness I go through on a daily basis, I am thankful for it all because without AJ, I would probably not have such a rich appreciation for all that I am dealing with. Odds are, Bubble Jack wouldn't be on the way without AJ's life story being what it is. I do believe all things happen the way He intends for them to happen...and through the psychosis of March, I know I have no control over any of the coming weeks. I can only pray my way to the finish line with a sweet tender angel looking over my shoulder whispering - "mommy-it will all be ok."

Returning to the scene...

With only 7ish weeks to go until Bubble Jack makes his grand entrance (hopefully), I have began to get a little panicked about returning to the hospital. So, I called the childbirth educator that taught us almost 5 years ago when we were pregnant with Eli. She quickly agreed to meet us at the hospital and allow us to tour in private and get some 'face time' with the L&D department. She also packed Eli a "big brother" bag full of helpful things just for him as he embarks upon his new journey of having a baby in the house.

As we rounded the corner in the L&D department, my heart began to sink. All the memories were so fuzzy I wasn't sure where which room it was or how I would react. There was an empty room right next to the room AJ was born in. Heart pounding, we entered the room and looked around. Eli began with 20 questions...I was thankful for that. We looked around several rooms and down the hallway in which they moved us after we left the L&D room.

I said a prayer for the families in each of the rooms we had been in. The doors were closed to both rooms...thank you God. I don't think I want or need to see inside those rooms again...maybe that will change, but I don't think I could have handled it today. We stood there outside of the nursery and shared AJ's story with Kathy. The conversation led to AJ's picture and - of course - I quickly pulled out my cherished pictures of him to show off. Hearing Kathy's comments about how beautiful he was made my heart happy, yet a painful reminder of reality. I think it was equally hard for daddy to be there and be reminded of those first moments. Even after almost 2 years, we are proud parents and it hurts that we can't hold him and share him like any other proud parent. I do love it when we get the opportunity to share AJ's story and show off his pictures. I had that opportunity twice this week and I have to admit, I share it with great pride each time!

We also ventured to Babies-R-Us for the second time since AJ died today. I have identified a few things that we could use for Bubble Jack once he arrives, so I started a registry. We also found a few newborn outfits to choose from for him to wear home from the hospital. Something new - all his own. :) I start going to the doctor weekly this week for non-stress tests. I don't really know what that entails yet, but I will find out soon enough. Bubble Jack is very active and when he is not, he often gets woken up by his paranoid mother.

Eli is excited. I am exhausted and ready, but otherwise doing ok. Daddy is doing everything to take care of me, baby and Eli.