Support Group - MEND

I have to give kudos for our support group MEND. It is so helpful to have a place to go to talk and relate to others who are living what we are living. It's the one place we can talk without the other people feeling uncomfortable about our loss (which is a whole other issue - why do people feel uncomfortable??? Is it because people fear death??? Fear making us cry???). It's the one place we are not alone in our thoughts and emotions.

One thing that was said at this past meeting by a wonderful woman who lost her son in January is this...we are all part of an elite group chosen by God to endure what He endured...the loss of His child. That has really stuck with me and will carry me through some of my most difficult times ahead. He does know our pain and He holds our tears in His hands. Thank you Norma for your words of wisdom...I will cherish them forever!!

5 weeks and I'm still numb

I am having another sleepless night...

It amazes me how exhausting it is to grieve. I think I am doing better and then BAM - tears. I think I can make a decision and then BAM - nothing. I can barely hold my eyes open at the end of the day and then BAM - I'm wide awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I have a hard time remembering me. For the last 9 months I was "us". I feel like "me" is missing... How to explain this feeling??? When I make one of my cakes - that is "me" before it was "us" so there I find peace in who "I" was. When I think about work though - all I can think about is "us" because that is where "we" were for the last 9 months - anxiously awaiting the day.

It is also weird because some people don't see AJ as real. So many people refer to this as a miscarriage. We have 4 family members - one just died. We have 2 children - one on earth and one in heaven. I suppose it is because to some since they never saw or held AJ - he wasn't "real". I did not have a miscarriage...he was born still at 39 weeks. He is real...and this pain is real...and I'm still numb.