The Big 6 M

Today we hit the 6 month mark. To a great extent - part of me stays numb, but God's strength or grace keeps me going....it's not me. A lot like the 5 month post, I should be writing about how AJ is crawling and pulling up, eating new things and how much he is different than his brother. About how wonderful of a big brother Eli is and how much we can't imagine our lives without our two boys.

Well at 6 months, we can't imagine our lives without our two boys. Eli is so smart and funny. Loves all the things that little boys love and he is ALL BOY!! He is such a blessing! And AJ - well he is brilliant! He is a constant reminder of how blessed we are to be human and experience life. God chose us for such a divine purpose and now holds part of our purpose in His hand. We might have lived our lives for 60 years never understanding or being enlightened with how precious life and love is. So many people around us take for granted the simplest of things.

I have found myself driving different routes to and from work just to simply find something new to appreciate each day. To see a man watering his lawn, birds flying amongst the cars at the stop light, discovering a new street I never knew existed. Without AJ - I might have never driven that road or looked up to see the birds frolicking in the morning sun. My heart may never have opened to some - and closed to others. I tend to observe more and worry less...worry for what when I really have NO control.

A day doesn't go by without a moment in which the core of my being doesn't hurt. In which the magnitude of what we are enduring doesn't present it's self in some fashion and I am reminded that I am to be still.

2007 has been a VERY hard year for so many people around me. I am thankful that I can look ahead to what 2008 might hold for us all. 6 months ago I couldn't see past the end of my nose. 6 months ago I was reminded how small I am in this world and how all things are in His control. 6 months ago our hearts were broken, but our lives were blessed.

The Empty Seat

Three bald-headed babies sat before me today
in the red & white stripped cart.
The fourth seat was empty where AJ would sit,
my heart sunk as I then fell apart.

Each of the boys smiling and looking
for a friendly face to study and stare.
But all I could do was well up with tears
because AJ just wasn't there.

The seat belt was buckled perfectly straight,
on the back row with seating for four.
Brandon and Ben and Dalton
all smiled and giggled innocently more.

I did all I could to stand there and smile,
praying each moment for strength.
Wanting to run away, scream and cry,
my cross reminding me of it's weight.

Don't get me wrong, I would never trade my cross
nor lay it down on the side,
Nor pray for a shorter cross to carry
for it is why He died.

It isn't easy to keep perspective
when grief and pain come in the door.
Sometime it feels like you're buried alive
and you simply can't take any more.

That is when a good friend calls to laugh,

to remind you of your purpose on earth.

The words "it will all be ok",

the human response to give it all worth.

So for now I will carry on,

daily seeing that empty seat.

Imagining all of the fun we'd of had

and waiting until we meet.

Days pass and we exist because that is what we are "supposed" to do. God provides the rest. May you never have to see an empty seat where someone you love doesn't sit. Never ask God for a shorter cross - He knew which cross you would carry before you were born. Ask God to help you carry, to give you peace, to catch your tears. Peace and blessings to all.

Grief Projects

So many people have told us that the projects that follow grief are a way of healing, distraction, etc. I suppose we are blessed in that we have a creative gene that allows us to expel that energy. I pray that everyone has some outlet for their grief...it's not easy. So I thought I would share some pictures of our grief projects. Peace & Blessings to all!! :)

Eli helping mommy clean out the closet- note wearing daddy's shoes..."like daddy".

Eli helping daddy tile the bathroom...woo hoo!

Bridal Cake

Birthday Cake for Abbie (Tasha from Backyardigans)

High School Musical Cake for "the twins"

Groom's Cake