Hummm...

Do you trust me enough never to know the reason why?

A dear friend of mine said she read this years ago and committed it to memory, not knowing that she would be faced with a situation that would actually challenge her to it. We have special connection in that our babies both died from a "true knot" in the umbilical cord.

The incidence of a true knot is very rare and not all result in infant death. In the past 11 months I have never once researched the true knot - until now. I don't know if I just wasn't ready to deal with what I might find or what. So now I have a few questions that I hope to get answers to from a medical standpoint.

Ironic I suppose - a knot is something that is supposed to tie something together, to join one thing to another. Instead AJ was taken away. One definition of a knot is an imperfection or a creative design. I think we definitely look at this as an imperfection to our plan. However, in a sense it's indeed part of God's creative design. If you google "true knot" you will see beautiful colorful pictures of knots that possibly changed someones life in an instant. Medical mysteries to some, knots of sadness for others. I would do anything for a picture of AJ's knot... to see the true knot that God allowed to take our sweet baby boy.

I do trust God to never know the reason why. I trust that He has brought this burden and heartache into our lives to show us something, teach us, enable us. Enable us to learn to endure, share and comfort others, love fully, prioritize, appreciate and rejoice in His name. I choose to keep my eye on Him - no matter how dark, sad and lonely I get - for He is the only way back to my baby. I will trust in His promises, believe in His faithfulness and long for the glorious day He calls us home.

Mind Meld....

Today - well it was a really bad emotional day. It started off rough - and rough stuck around.

I had an early appointment. I forgot my cell phone at home, so when I got out of my appointment at 7:45 (too distraught to go to work at that moment) I went back to the house to get my phone. It was a 'total' God thing that just as I reached to unplug my phone on the counter - crying like a baby - the phone rang and it was my dear friend Jane. I squeaked out a "Hi" - and I think an "I'm ok" before I broke down crying. At that moment I think I was crying more that God sent her to me at that very moment - knowing how much I needed her. She and I have this mind meld thing going on and she said to me "something just told me I needed to call you". :-)

I stood in the bedroom holding AJ in my arms (I'm not crazy - we had him cremated) crying - praying for peace. I've really had a hard time being specific in prayer lately, but I just kept asking God to give me peace. And sure enough, after a few minutes of begging - a peace came over me and I was able to get myself together enough to go to work.

A friend - another mother from MEND - said that she was in a funk the months leading up to her baby girl's Birthday, but once the day came she had a very peaceful day. I can definitely relate to being in a funk. I don't want to talk, the weirdest things make me cry, my heart hurts exponentially more each day at the mere mention of a child, sight of a pregnant woman, baby, anniversary, song, you name it - I hurt. I analyze it to be because this time last year we were so close to the finish line and so full of anticipation and plans. Reliving each day parallel to last - hurts.

The Why's & What's....

Ok - if you have kept up with my blog you know that I don't ask the question "why" when it comes to AJ's death. I am, however, going to ask the question why about something else.

Why???...do people feel the need to say "you are young and healthy - you can just have another baby"? When someone’s mother, father, grandparents, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, friend, or enemy dies, we don't rush right up to them and say "don't worry - you can get another one."

We want another baby - but not to replace AJ - to enhance our family. To watch them grow, teach them right from wrong, to love and cherish every moment we will hopefully be blessed with. Often, Al will say that he is not so sad for us, but for what Eli is missing in his little brother - a friend, playmate and buddy. As parents, we want to fulfill that privilege for Eli. Al and I are both blessed with wonderful siblings, and my heart aches at the thought that Eli may never have that in the flesh.

We are not in search of a quick fix to our pain, anger or sadness. A baby would help restore hope, but it will never take away our pain. Someone said this week that they don't know how to help us. I have spent hours thinking of an answer to that. The comment has laid very heavy on my heart. The simple truth is that we just need our friends to be there. Listen. Don't try to have great words of wisdom - there are no words. Call and ask us out for dinner. We have spent almost a year trying to restore normalcy to our lives and that will not come if our dearest friends are too afraid to be around us.

I am a huge fan of Casting Crowns. One of their songs talks about "Love them like Jesus". In my search for a response for the question "what can people do for us" I always go back to that song. You don't need the answers, just be here, and love us unconditionally, like Jesus - even if that means you are out of your comfort zone.

We know people feel helpless around us. Imagine living in our skin 24/7 - we are the definition of helpless. We wander this earth trying to find and pick up pieces of this storybook life that we once had dreamed of. I don't think we will ever really find all the pieces - I don't think that's God's intention. He doesn't provide things in a nice pretty box labeled "Life". He unveils life to us once piece at a time. AJ dying happens to be a piece of our puzzle...it doesn't fit the way we expected it to all fit - but it is indeed part of our puzzle...and our picture of life is so much more beautiful, humble and complete with AJ in it.

If you have 10 minutes or so, watch the video below...touching!