You said "Hello" in the most special way!

For your 5th birthday we decided to take a family trip to San Antonio.  Not only is this your 5th birthday, but each day of the week fell just as it did the year you died.  We relived each day and the memories of that week.  It was an emotional week.

We drove to Austin on Thursday so we could watch the bats fly out from the Congress Street bridge and eat famous Austin food.  Our plan was to get up early and drive into San Antonio and spend your birthday at Sea World - of course wearing our We remember Adrian Joseph "A.J." MEND shirts.  Friday morning we got up and got on the road....and I-35 was a parking lot!

After sitting through traffic for a bit we decided to exit and go to the Natural Bridge Caverns and just go to Sea World Saturday instead.   We detoured through the winding country roads and arrived at the Caverns about 15 minutes before the next tour left.  We hustled in to buy tickets and get the boys to the potty.  The standard announcement "The next tour will be leaving in XX minutes, please meet your tour guide out on the terrace" was being made.  We were sitting on the terrace looking at the beautiful scenery around us as yet another announcement was made...although this one was slightly different.  "The next tour will be leaving in 5 minutes, please meet your tour guide, A.J., on the terrace."

My heart skipped a beat and my eyes welled with tears...was my imagination playing tricks on me?  No, about that moment a young 21ish year-old young man walked up with a name tag reading A.J.  I began trembling...this was not part of our plan...we were supposed to be at Sea World today...and we're not, we are here with a tour guide who has YOUR name.

I could barely contain myself.  I walked up to him and told him through the tears "Can I take a picture of your name tag?  I have a son who died 5 years ago today...and his name is A.J. and we were not supposed to be here, we were supposed to be at Sea World, and we are here instead...and God knew you'd be our guide...and we're here...and not there!!"  He smiled at me with an expression of "OH WOW" and read my shirt "Amber Zuckerman remembering Adrian Joseph "A.J." and said "My name is Andrew James".  He instantly ushered Eli and Alex up to the front of the tour group and we began.

A.J. took special care to point out the awesome cool stalagmites giving us a rather VIP experience.  After we were done, I was in the gift shop and A.J. came up to me...by then it had all sunk in.  "So let me get this straight, you weren't supposed to be here today?  You were supposed to go to Sea World, but instead God directed you here?  With me as your tour guide?  Can I ask what happened to your son?"  So as I stood there sharing your story with this young man, all I could think about is how amazing God is.  It is your 5th birthday...somehow we survived 5 years...and God keeps showing us signs that renew our trust, our faith, and our hope....

...and once again, God detoured our plan - for His plan!!!    

Hello...it's me...

It's been a while. I've forgotten how busy it can get taking care of an infant and now I know what it's like to take care of an infant and a 4 year old. Alex is getting big and had brought back some much needed joy to our lives...the unconditional kind...the innocent kind...the peaceful kind.

That said, the hurt hasn't gone, we just have less time to focus on it. It's usually late at night when the world is quiet and we are holding him that the memories of what is missing creep in. We find ourselves wondering what life with 3 boys on earth would be like. Would Alex even have had the opportunity to make us smile if AJ had lived? We find ourselves wondering if we could try for another.

As with all things, revelation comes with time. When I named this blog Broken-but-Blessed, I was in the trenches of grief. I never imagined smiling again, laughing again or trusting again. Over two years later, I am still broken, but mending. I have found that through being so broken, our blessings abound. God uses me - sometimes boldly, sometimes subtly - to share our story and help others.

I know I've spoken on the topic of surrender in previous posts, but I find that it really is the key. God needs us to surrender, to trust His plan, to "Be still and know". That is a very hard lesson to learn.

I am blessed to know that I must trust Him. I am not in control. I have a constant reminder that no matter what I think I want to happen, I can't control it. I am not perfect. I don't' go to church every Sunday. I don't read my bible like I should. I can't quote bible verses or stories. I don't know all the answers. But I do know to trust in the promises of God (I have these posted to remind me...I don't know these by heart).

" 'Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you...Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' " - John 14:27

"...The saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' " - I Corinthians 15:54

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' " - Isaiah 41:13

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him." - I John 4:9

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - I Corinthians 15:57

A family from MEND lost another sweet daughter this week just less than a year from when they lost their other daughter. I can't imagine their heartache. If I had the right to ask God "why" I would. but instead I turn to prayer for them that He will show them His plan through all of their heartache. I pray that they will find the strength to trust God again should they try again to have a child. I pray that God shows them His mercy and grace like none other. I pray that their hearts will be able to find the joy that comes with the innocent smile of a child. I pray for their peace.

I have recently had a few people say that I should speak to groups of people and share our journey. I think that I would enjoy doing that...I'm praying that God directs my path to the right audience and time.

I'm sending you to your bible for the last promise on my mind tonight... John 11:25, 26. I believe!