Seriously? Get Over Yourself...

I have been attempting to gather all of the items for AJ's scrapbook and put them in sequential order so that when I have a free moment, I can accomplish a page or two so that maybe I can at least get caught up to today. I'm amazed at how much stuff I have for him. :) I guess I have saved every thing because I don't want to forget anything.

Well - I've indeed forgotten some of what happened the weeks after he died. I mostly remember crying and sleeping. I remember planning his funeral and being with Al. I remember friends and family rushing in to take care of everything we couldn't think of to take care of. I still feel the crushing sadness when I allow myself to return back to those days.

So, I called upon my brothers & sister-in-laws (via email last night) to help me remember a ceremony that was planned at the catholic church for AJ on April 11, 2007. I can't remember much. I don't remember if anyone had their camera or not. I can't remember anything that was said except when the Priest came over to offer his condolences and told Al & I to not keep AJ's ashes for very long...to 'get rid of them'. I STILL don't understand that and if anyone can help with that one, please do!! And I remember the sweet young man in the youth that saw us leaving and asked us to stay to pray the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy on the rosary. I remember feeling at peace during that prayer.

About a year ago, some of the siblings in Al's family had a squabble and have not been speaking. I was always taught to forgive and forget when it comes to family because family is all you got! So I don't understand this long standing BS...but anywho. So I got an email back from DSIL that stated very tersely, "Sorry but I wasn't aware of that ceremony, therefore, I didn't attend." She was there, she helped with the flowers and some of the other things...I can't remember what - hence the email! But SERIOUSLY...get over it already people! Our son is dead and you selfish people can't see past the end of your nose to understand that life is short and precious and you don't get to choose when it's gonna end. WAKE-UP! Make up - forgive - forget! We are all family!

I know nobody in the family reads this blog - and if they do and they continue to act this way - then it's just a pity. If they do read this then they should know that living life for us is a daily hurt. Something in the core of our being is missing and we can never get it back. We find joy, we make our own happiness...but it will never be what we thought it would be. We will never 'get over it' or fake a smile to make someone else feel ok about the fact that AJ is not here. One of the things that make us happiest is when someone can tell us how AJ's life has been a testament to how they changed their life or how watching us walk our daily life and keeping his memory alive has made an impact on them. I'm just so sad that our own family can't recognize how much that would mean to us.

And yes I have been crying for 3 days now... :)

22 Months Old...

Let me just fall apart for a minute...

So January 30th fell on a Friday. I thought that I was 'over' my whole aversion to Thursday's and Friday's, but not so much as here I sit in tears. (AJ was born on a Friday, but we found out he died on a Thursday - seems like everyone dies on a Thursday in my world.) For so long after he died I dreaded Thursday's and Friday's - especially if they fell on the 29th and 30th. I can't imagine how I will react the year that his actual birthday falls on a Friday again. Katie bar the door - Lord help us all on that day.

So here I go falling apart on another issue...Bubble Jack is technically due on April 30th. A Friday...preceded by a Thursday...one month after his brother died. Dr P will think I'm crazy if I try to explain my paranoia to him about this...Millwood here I come. I am not typically a superstitious person, but I want this experience to be fresh and new and just Bubble Jack's. I feel like if it all fell just like this, my fear would overrun me and I would not be able to enjoy the day.

And since I'm being selfish...I have a few friends who are expecting at the end of March and I am a little nervous that they will have their baby on March 30th...AJ's day. I know millions of people have their Birthday on March 30th, but I don't know any of them...I want March 30th to always be his day and no one else's that I know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to be happy on that day for someone else when I ache for our son. I know those are all things out of anyones control and I will be happy for my friends no matter when their baby comes, but that was just a moment of my selfish ranting...

The bottom line to all of this is that I miss my baby. Who would be a big boy of almost 2 years old in just 2 months. Walking, talking and driving his big brother crazy. Just the way I thought it was supposed to be. Reality does bite!