Thanksgiving...

Have you ever been so thankful that you cry in amazement of God's blessings in your life? As I sit here I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am blessed with an amazing husband and fabulous sons, a home, a car, a good job, wonderful family and friends.

True thanksgiving is being able to see what God has taken away from you and remaining thankful for it.

This year I don't feel much like celebrating the holidays yet. AJ not being here is hitting HARD this year. I don't want to sit around a table on Thursday and have him left out as family talk about what they are thankful for. I don't want to wrap presents for Christmas and not be able to wrap for him.

Maybe it's hitting hard because we have Alex here to see all of that which we missed with AJ. Alex is a joy and we see how happy Eli is being a big brother. He is so amazing with Alex...watches him and protects him. Talks to him and they sit together watching TV or playing on the floor. I guess it makes us sad that Eli had to wait 2 extra years to be able to play with a brother.

I wonder if Eli will resent us for not taking him to the hospital to hold AJ...or would it have been too much for a 2 1/2 year old to take in? He asks so many questions that we can't answer sometimes. Some questions we don't have answers to! As always...it's just one day at a time...one prayer at a time!

MEND Walk to Remember 2009

The MEND Walk to Remember was so beautiful this year. Despite a few rain drops, we had a lovely time. Here is the slideshow Brittney created to capture the day...

I miss my middle man. This will be our 3rd Thanksgiving and Christmas without him...that makes me sad!!

Yes God, We are listening.... :)

This week has been pretty emotional as we approach the Walk to Remember. Guess I'm due for a good cry. I have really been missing AJ lately. I have been blessed to see his life making an impact in the world through my work with MEND and that fills my heart with Joy.

I have been working on fund raising for the Walk and collecting donations for the raffle. We went to eat one night at Black-eyed-Pea and I decided to drop off a request letter while I was there. I usually would ask for the manager and go through my speech "My name is...2 1/2 years ago our son was born still at 39 weeks due to a true knot cord accident...we are members of a non-profit organization in the area and we host a ceremony each year...would you like to donate?" However, for some reason I simply handed the letter to the lady who seated us and asked her to have the manager come over if they were interested in donating. We ate and left assuming that they just simply were not interested.

2-3 weeks later, on a Saturday morning, I received a phone call from the BEP manager. She began the conversation with "I don't know what to say". This struck me as odd since it seemed easy to me - either you want to donate or you don't. I was quickly brought to tears as she proceeded to tell me that her niece had just had her baby girl 3 days earlier, born with Trisomy 18 and died 3 1/2 hours later. She said that she had come in to work after having been off for a period of time to find my letter on the desk that 3 managers share, unopened, waiting for this opportunity to surface. A God moment!

She and I proceeded to talk for about 45 minutes instantly connecting as if we had been friends for years. As we talked I stood outside a local shopping strip and a butterfly flew around and around. To me it was like AJ was right there doing the "Donkey" from Shreck - "Look at me...See what I did Mom...He picked me!!"

He picked me...I don't know why God picked me to endure this heartache, but that day I had a glimpse of the awesomeness of God. If I solicited to those 75 to 100 businesses in the DFW area to have His message reach this one family, then I am OK with that.

I am so blessed to be able to recognize the good that has come from AJ's death. I could easily!! allow myself to wallow in self pity, cry myself to sleep each night, and essentially give up, but that is not what God's purpose is for my life. His purpose is for me to use my talents to help others. And as a friend told me earlier this week, He knows that I am not afraid to meet a stranger and that I will spread His word. I would have never chosen to give my son the way that He gave His, but I am thankful to see that there is a purpose for Him taking AJ home too soon.

Mommy loves you AJ!!!

Somewhere in the Middle

One of my favorite songs is "Somewhere in the Middle" by the Casting Crowns. Somewhere between the hot and the cold, somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who You're making me, somewhere in the middle you'll find me.

For me this song follows the pattern of grief as we learn to live the new normal without AJ. One second hot or cold...sometimes the new or the old...and always between who I was and who He's making me.

Friends come and go, but we had a couple of friends that went when AJ died. They stepped up to help us plan his funeral, take care of Eli in the immediate days, and then they slowly went away. About a year after AJ died, I couldn't stand the lack of closure for the friendship and so I called her up and asked her to lunch. We sat awkwardly making small talk for a while and when the conversation afforded the opportunity, I asked point blank "What happened? What changed?" Her knee jerk reaction was "People change"! I replied "you're right - WE did change." We haven't spoken since.

God made the decision to change us the day he called AJ home. Unlike some people who may make a conscious decision to change something about themselves, we didn't get that choice. We were catapulted into a devastating life change that forced us to redefine who we are and why we are here.

Who we are? We are people that hurt on some level everyday. We are a mom and dad that miss our son deeply everyday but must keep on going. We are the parents of 3 beautiful boys - two on earth and one in the arms of Jesus. Our true friendships are raw and without pretense. We are more reserved...more loving...more understanding...more empathetic.

Why are we here? I don't ask God the question 'Why did you take AJ?' I don't feel that He owes us an explanation. I wonder what does He want me to do with this new path He chose for us? I work everyday to share our story with someone with hope that I am making a difference in some way. We are here to honor AJ's life and the change he made in our lives.

We grieved the loss of these friends from our lives for a long while hanging on to hope that they would come around and we could have the type of relationship we had before AJ died. All the while we had received closure just a few months after he died and just didn't realize it. It came in an email and it read, "We want to be supportive, but feel that the subject is too much for our daughter, and honestly, the rest of us too, is to much to handle emotionally. I hope that you understand our reasoning for this, we really do want to support you and pray that you all receive strength and love."

Our true friends and our family are there with us through the constant change we endure.

Hello...it's me...

It's been a while. I've forgotten how busy it can get taking care of an infant and now I know what it's like to take care of an infant and a 4 year old. Alex is getting big and had brought back some much needed joy to our lives...the unconditional kind...the innocent kind...the peaceful kind.

That said, the hurt hasn't gone, we just have less time to focus on it. It's usually late at night when the world is quiet and we are holding him that the memories of what is missing creep in. We find ourselves wondering what life with 3 boys on earth would be like. Would Alex even have had the opportunity to make us smile if AJ had lived? We find ourselves wondering if we could try for another.

As with all things, revelation comes with time. When I named this blog Broken-but-Blessed, I was in the trenches of grief. I never imagined smiling again, laughing again or trusting again. Over two years later, I am still broken, but mending. I have found that through being so broken, our blessings abound. God uses me - sometimes boldly, sometimes subtly - to share our story and help others.

I know I've spoken on the topic of surrender in previous posts, but I find that it really is the key. God needs us to surrender, to trust His plan, to "Be still and know". That is a very hard lesson to learn.

I am blessed to know that I must trust Him. I am not in control. I have a constant reminder that no matter what I think I want to happen, I can't control it. I am not perfect. I don't' go to church every Sunday. I don't read my bible like I should. I can't quote bible verses or stories. I don't know all the answers. But I do know to trust in the promises of God (I have these posted to remind me...I don't know these by heart).

" 'Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you...Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.' " - John 14:27

"...The saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' " - I Corinthians 15:54

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' " - Isaiah 41:13

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him." - I John 4:9

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - I Corinthians 15:57

A family from MEND lost another sweet daughter this week just less than a year from when they lost their other daughter. I can't imagine their heartache. If I had the right to ask God "why" I would. but instead I turn to prayer for them that He will show them His plan through all of their heartache. I pray that they will find the strength to trust God again should they try again to have a child. I pray that God shows them His mercy and grace like none other. I pray that their hearts will be able to find the joy that comes with the innocent smile of a child. I pray for their peace.

I have recently had a few people say that I should speak to groups of people and share our journey. I think that I would enjoy doing that...I'm praying that God directs my path to the right audience and time.

I'm sending you to your bible for the last promise on my mind tonight... John 11:25, 26. I believe!

Update...

Visit our family blog for an update on Alex. We are doing good. Have a million things swimming in my head to blog about, but no time to actually do it. Having Alex has brought joy, happiness, memories, what if's and what should have beens to the surface. He is a perfect blend of AJ and Eli...we are so thankful to have our new addition here safe and sound!

Will write more later...

Alexander Isaiah Zuckerman

I'm proud to announce that after almost 40 weeks, Alexander Isaiah has come into this world! What an amazing miracle from God! Baby Alex is 7lbs and 8oz and I'm not sure on length yet because he hasn't been whisked away to the nursery for his bath the last I heard from the happy parents. The family is all doing well and Big Brother Eli is so in love with his new baby brother! I know those two will be best friends.
I'll let Amber tell you her side of the story, but from this end it was truly an honor to witness such an awesome event. Thank you Amber, Al, Eli AJ and Alex for the opportunity to capture this moment that is just too precious for words. I hope I've done it justice!
Love,
Jenn

Big Brother Day

Today, Eli and AJ will be come big brothers...officially! We can't wait to post pics of our new hand-picked baby brother.

I was thinking last night about how when someone in a family dies, we feel like we have an automatic 'in' with the Big Man. A direct line if you will. In my mind, AJ was able to tell God all about what he wanted in a little brother as if he was born out of a Build-a-Bear workshop or something. We will see how that works out when the terrible 2's hit. LOL :)

I have a level of peace this morning that God's newest plan - though it may not be my plan - is at work. One thing about losing a child, is I have learned more about surrender than I could have ever imagined. I am still strong willed and stubborn...but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't have control over anything...and with that surrender comes peace. Now we must hold on to the peace and pray for strength.

I was writing a card out to a dear friend the other day and this verse was at the bottom...funny - actually - because I was heavily in the midst of false contractions and praying that God would just send me into real labor already so I could get him here. I know that in some ways induction is helping along the process today, but I believe that God put it on the hearts of my doctors to move up the induction from Friday to today for some reason. This verse not only hit home because of it's meaning, but Alex's middle name is Isaiah and to me it was yet another instance of God reminding me to "Be still and know..."

Isaiah 40:31
'But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.'

This is my focal point of the day.

AJ's Nursery Pics...

See post from 2-18-09...I finally got pics posted of AJ's nursery before we repainted. We aren't quite done yet with the new room...I'll post those soon. :)

Happy 2nd Birthday AJ!

What a beautiful day your birthday turned out to be! I have been praying for a 'non-rainy' day, and my prayers were answered. We always plan a family holiday for AJ's birthday...and well - being 35 weeks I couldn't travel, so we decided to stay close and go to the Fort Worth Zoo. It was a beautiful day. We traveled the paths of the zoo for about 3 hours. I bench hopped and people watched while Eli and daddy went to explore the inside exhibits. We always wear our MEND t-shirts on AJ's Birthday . I secretly hope that someone will ask so we can share his story. A lot of people stare, but we are yet to be asked. Maybe next year. :) Admiring the turtles...I love these moments!

That is THE sweetest look ever!!!! (both the birds and E's expression)
I missed this exhibit, so glad daddy had the camera!Gotta love the elephants! Good thing I didn't wear gray...I'd blend in!

We finished the day with family and close friends coming over for dinner, cake and a balloon release. I absolutely love everyone coming together to write a special message on balloons to send up to AJ. The love, hugs and fact people remember him with us on his birthday make us so happy. I will post pics of the balloon release soon...gotta figure out how to get them off of the camera onto this new machine. Daddy will have to show me the trick! :)

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I overheard Al and Eli sitting in the office at the computer. Al was looking at an email from my Uncle Joe regarding fallen soldiers. It showed the American Indian rituals that are performed for those fallen soldiers. This email sparked questions from Eli about where AJ was buried. I heard Al trying to explain to Eli that AJ isn't buried, but instead cremated. Eli said he didn't remember what AJ looked like. Al pulled up the pictures and began talking to Eli about AJ and going through the pics. Al started to cry a little and Eli said, "Are you crying because you miss AJ? Sometimes I cry too when I miss AJ."

My heart was sinking listening to them. I truly regret not having Eli come up to the hospital to hold his brother. We thought it would scar him for life, but in hind sight, probably not. He is such a wonderful, insightful little boy. Such a gentle loving spirit. I can't wait to see him with Alex and how he interacts with him. He is always kissing and rubbing my stomach telling Alex he loves him. It should be an exciting month coming up as we meet AJ's handpicked little brother. ;)

The last heartbeat...

It was 2 years ago today that I last heard AJ's heartbeat. I'm sure I've posted about it before, but today it is really resounding in my memory. I decided Alex and I needed donuts this morning with our orange juice to be sure that he stayed moving all day strong so I can feel him. That he is. :)

I hope I never forget the look on Dr P's face when he listened to AJ this day 2 years ago and paused and said, "Isn't it the best thing you've ever heard?" Dr P mind you is a mellow kind of doc and he truly marvels in the the awesomeness of the sound of a heartbeat and the miracle of life. I believe that it's a large part of why my heart ached for him to find out that AJ had died when he returned to town that weekend.

I have friends through MEND who actually saw their baby's heartbeat stop on a sono. I don't know if I would want to know the exact moment or not...? I do believe that he died in the early morning hours of March 27th, but I'll never know for sure. And that's ok. Our story was written just the way God intended for it to happen. I have to trust Him and His plan though we may not like it or agree with it.

I have so many people who tell me that they admire my strength and faith. I don't see myself as anything special or remarkable. I am thankful for my core faith beliefs because if I didn't have those, I would be lost right now. My strength comes from Him...in the flesh - I cry, I'm weak, I'm fragile...still 2 years later I never know what will release my pressure valve and will cause me to lose it. The void is real...keeping my focus on God is my way of dealing with the pain and the physical void in our family.

On another note...I'm sure everyone has see the "I Am Second" billboards by now. On Monday of next week there will be 2 billboards placed in the DFW area by an atheist group saying things like "Don't believe in God? You're not alone." I believe to each their own...I'm not one to impose my beliefs on someone else. But I found great humor from a DJ this morning that said the next billboard will read "I Am First - because there is no one else". I can only imagine how lonely that would be to not have a relationship with God and have to endure life without His grace and strength to carry you when you need him most.

Thank you mom for being sure that God was a part of my life growing up. :)

34 weeks now...38 weeks then....

As we near AJ's 2nd birthday, I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to live through the month of March without counting days. Maybe last year because it was his first birthday...maybe this year because I'm pregnant again....but I count the days until he died - literally torturing myself in some ways with the thought "at this time 2 years ago, he was alive". Everything was still ok at this time 2 years ago.

Yesterday, 2 years ago we had a baby shower for him at work...it was a rainy morning that day, but full of love and excitement for him. 9 days later it was again a rainy morning, full of sadness and pain because he died. Oh how I pray for sun on March 30th this year. I need to wake up that morning and see all of God's beautiful creations glistening under a beautiful sunrise. But as life has taught me in the last 2 years, it will be what it will be that morning and what it is, will be what it's supposed to be.

I say this with wishful thinking on my part, but I hope that we will induce Bubble Jack at about 38 weeks. I fear reaching the 39th week since AJ died at the 39th week...although, Eli was born fine at 39 weeks. Oh the psychosis of a paranoid, heartbroken, excited, fearful, proud mother! I know the odds, the statistics, the reality...but emotions - coupled with hormones - usually win the day. I count every kick wondering if it's the last...I laugh with every hiccup and attempt to implant the memory of it in my mind in case it's all I get...I try to live each day appreciating the aches and pains of pregnancy because it's an experience some never get. For all of the craziness I go through on a daily basis, I am thankful for it all because without AJ, I would probably not have such a rich appreciation for all that I am dealing with. Odds are, Bubble Jack wouldn't be on the way without AJ's life story being what it is. I do believe all things happen the way He intends for them to happen...and through the psychosis of March, I know I have no control over any of the coming weeks. I can only pray my way to the finish line with a sweet tender angel looking over my shoulder whispering - "mommy-it will all be ok."

Returning to the scene...

With only 7ish weeks to go until Bubble Jack makes his grand entrance (hopefully), I have began to get a little panicked about returning to the hospital. So, I called the childbirth educator that taught us almost 5 years ago when we were pregnant with Eli. She quickly agreed to meet us at the hospital and allow us to tour in private and get some 'face time' with the L&D department. She also packed Eli a "big brother" bag full of helpful things just for him as he embarks upon his new journey of having a baby in the house.

As we rounded the corner in the L&D department, my heart began to sink. All the memories were so fuzzy I wasn't sure where which room it was or how I would react. There was an empty room right next to the room AJ was born in. Heart pounding, we entered the room and looked around. Eli began with 20 questions...I was thankful for that. We looked around several rooms and down the hallway in which they moved us after we left the L&D room.

I said a prayer for the families in each of the rooms we had been in. The doors were closed to both rooms...thank you God. I don't think I want or need to see inside those rooms again...maybe that will change, but I don't think I could have handled it today. We stood there outside of the nursery and shared AJ's story with Kathy. The conversation led to AJ's picture and - of course - I quickly pulled out my cherished pictures of him to show off. Hearing Kathy's comments about how beautiful he was made my heart happy, yet a painful reminder of reality. I think it was equally hard for daddy to be there and be reminded of those first moments. Even after almost 2 years, we are proud parents and it hurts that we can't hold him and share him like any other proud parent. I do love it when we get the opportunity to share AJ's story and show off his pictures. I had that opportunity twice this week and I have to admit, I share it with great pride each time!

We also ventured to Babies-R-Us for the second time since AJ died today. I have identified a few things that we could use for Bubble Jack once he arrives, so I started a registry. We also found a few newborn outfits to choose from for him to wear home from the hospital. Something new - all his own. :) I start going to the doctor weekly this week for non-stress tests. I don't really know what that entails yet, but I will find out soon enough. Bubble Jack is very active and when he is not, he often gets woken up by his paranoid mother.

Eli is excited. I am exhausted and ready, but otherwise doing ok. Daddy is doing everything to take care of me, baby and Eli.

My best Buddy Sawyer...

AJ's best buddy Sawyer turned 2 on Saturday. Thankfully we were able to spend this year's birthday with him - (last year - mommy just couldn't handle it). I can hardly believe that in a few weeks AJ will be 2. We have survived 2 years without him...now we just have to make it the next 60. We gathered a few balloons from the party, wrote a message on them and sent them up to AJ so he could celebrate with us. Eli released them and they got caught in the tree...LOL - Nene said that meant that AJ wished he was here too. Chris got them down for us and we re-released them. They drifted in the sky for several minutes. It was nice.

That is Batman for AJ.

Again, maybe it's just the hormones, but I have been getting choked up lately when I think about the enormity of our life. Daddy painted over my beautiful mice, stars and moons from Eli & AJ's nursery a couple of weekends ago. As hard as it was to go in that room and imagine a new baby with us, it has been equally hard to watch it disappear. I think it will get easier as I get it decorated and as we get closer to the day of Bubble Jack's arrival. A fresh start for him. :) He deserves that...we need it...it all works out in the end.

I will post pics of the new nursery after I get it all decorated, but for now, here are pics of the stars, moons and mice nursery...

Seriously? Get Over Yourself...

I have been attempting to gather all of the items for AJ's scrapbook and put them in sequential order so that when I have a free moment, I can accomplish a page or two so that maybe I can at least get caught up to today. I'm amazed at how much stuff I have for him. :) I guess I have saved every thing because I don't want to forget anything.

Well - I've indeed forgotten some of what happened the weeks after he died. I mostly remember crying and sleeping. I remember planning his funeral and being with Al. I remember friends and family rushing in to take care of everything we couldn't think of to take care of. I still feel the crushing sadness when I allow myself to return back to those days.

So, I called upon my brothers & sister-in-laws (via email last night) to help me remember a ceremony that was planned at the catholic church for AJ on April 11, 2007. I can't remember much. I don't remember if anyone had their camera or not. I can't remember anything that was said except when the Priest came over to offer his condolences and told Al & I to not keep AJ's ashes for very long...to 'get rid of them'. I STILL don't understand that and if anyone can help with that one, please do!! And I remember the sweet young man in the youth that saw us leaving and asked us to stay to pray the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy on the rosary. I remember feeling at peace during that prayer.

About a year ago, some of the siblings in Al's family had a squabble and have not been speaking. I was always taught to forgive and forget when it comes to family because family is all you got! So I don't understand this long standing BS...but anywho. So I got an email back from DSIL that stated very tersely, "Sorry but I wasn't aware of that ceremony, therefore, I didn't attend." She was there, she helped with the flowers and some of the other things...I can't remember what - hence the email! But SERIOUSLY...get over it already people! Our son is dead and you selfish people can't see past the end of your nose to understand that life is short and precious and you don't get to choose when it's gonna end. WAKE-UP! Make up - forgive - forget! We are all family!

I know nobody in the family reads this blog - and if they do and they continue to act this way - then it's just a pity. If they do read this then they should know that living life for us is a daily hurt. Something in the core of our being is missing and we can never get it back. We find joy, we make our own happiness...but it will never be what we thought it would be. We will never 'get over it' or fake a smile to make someone else feel ok about the fact that AJ is not here. One of the things that make us happiest is when someone can tell us how AJ's life has been a testament to how they changed their life or how watching us walk our daily life and keeping his memory alive has made an impact on them. I'm just so sad that our own family can't recognize how much that would mean to us.

And yes I have been crying for 3 days now... :)

22 Months Old...

Let me just fall apart for a minute...

So January 30th fell on a Friday. I thought that I was 'over' my whole aversion to Thursday's and Friday's, but not so much as here I sit in tears. (AJ was born on a Friday, but we found out he died on a Thursday - seems like everyone dies on a Thursday in my world.) For so long after he died I dreaded Thursday's and Friday's - especially if they fell on the 29th and 30th. I can't imagine how I will react the year that his actual birthday falls on a Friday again. Katie bar the door - Lord help us all on that day.

So here I go falling apart on another issue...Bubble Jack is technically due on April 30th. A Friday...preceded by a Thursday...one month after his brother died. Dr P will think I'm crazy if I try to explain my paranoia to him about this...Millwood here I come. I am not typically a superstitious person, but I want this experience to be fresh and new and just Bubble Jack's. I feel like if it all fell just like this, my fear would overrun me and I would not be able to enjoy the day.

And since I'm being selfish...I have a few friends who are expecting at the end of March and I am a little nervous that they will have their baby on March 30th...AJ's day. I know millions of people have their Birthday on March 30th, but I don't know any of them...I want March 30th to always be his day and no one else's that I know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to be happy on that day for someone else when I ache for our son. I know those are all things out of anyones control and I will be happy for my friends no matter when their baby comes, but that was just a moment of my selfish ranting...

The bottom line to all of this is that I miss my baby. Who would be a big boy of almost 2 years old in just 2 months. Walking, talking and driving his big brother crazy. Just the way I thought it was supposed to be. Reality does bite!

3 boys

I am sitting here creating a blog for my cakes. Something that is LONG overdue and no doubt a daunting task based on the shear number of cakes I have made at this point. As I sit here, baby boy #3 is bouncing up and down on my bladder jamming to his big brother's favorite band - ZZ Top - and probably wondering when his mother is gonna get a grip?

Maybe I'm hormonal, maybe sleep deprived due to this horrible cold I have, maybe nervous/anxious about his arrival, maybe I'm just a regular old certifiable crazy lady...but the tears are often uncontrollable when I think about the BIG picture of our lives. The fact that we are about to have 3 boys...what would it be like to have 3 boys running around? As painful as it is - the fact is that this little miracle growing right now would not have been an option if AJ hadn't died. We had no plans of having more than 2 children.

Scanning the cluttered desk before me my eyes met the scripture "...I am fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalm 139:14 on the back of the ticket stub from a Steven Curtis Chapman concert we were blessed to attend back in July. AJ was fearfully and wonderfully made and his short life served a greater purpose in our lives than we could ever imagine. And Bubble Jack - growing and kicking inside me - was fearfully and wonderfully made with a divine purpose of his own. We HAVE 3 boys! Until the day we die, we will always be the parents of 3 boys. Should God's plan include our time on earth with them or not, we were chosen to serve our purpose as the parents of 3 boys. And the day each of them were born - God danced!